Effective ways to have good relationships with your stepkids

In the beginning of a blended family, relationships are non-existent.  It's kind of like climbing a new mountain.  You really don't know anything about each other and then all of sudden you are living together in a family setting under the same roof!  As grownups, you have a chance to date each other, fall in love and you choose to be together as a couple.  In most cases, the children did not choose YOU to be in their lives.  Initially, you are a "guest".  In the beginning, each child has a backpack of emotions before you even come into the relationship.  They make assumptions about who you are based on the experience they have had with previous people in that role.  When you are starting out in the role of a stepparent it is very important to realize it's not about you.  There are several ways that can help you in the beginning so you don't feel so overwhelmed.

1. Educate yourself.  Read books and find educational resources about divorce and blended families. 

2. Volunteer for a group of kids close to your stepkid's age.  By doing this you can separate normal child behavior with the emotions that your stepkids may be dealing with. 

3.  FIND SUPPORT!!!!  Find a stepfamily group or stepparent group.  There is nothing like contact with others who are in your same situation.  You are able to find solutions and feel like you are not alone. 

After time, relationships can begin to develop with your stepkids.  It takes being consistent and for them to build trust with you. I recently heard this wonderful story between a stepdad and stepdaughter.  The stepdaughter had lost her natural father so every day for a year and a half her stepdad bought her flowers or ice cream.  He would come home and just put it on the table and say this is for you.  Many days those items were thrown in the garbage.  He kept doing it and never gave up! He knew that she was hurting because of her recent loss.  One day after a year and a half, she took him up on his offer and went and got ice cream with him.   I admire his great unconditional love.  This is a great example of being consistent and persevering through a very difficult time in their relationship.

If you have several stepkids, you will have a different relationship with each one of them.  They have built history with their dad and sometimes even though it is hard for  you, you need to step back and support him in the relationship with his children.  Encourage them to have one on one time together.  Don't try to change them.  Accept them for who they are and they will be more open to accept you.  As much as you may want a relationship with them, don't force a relationship until they are ready to have one with you.  Most importantly, be a good role model and be a cheerleader to them by offering words of encouragement and support.

My relationship with my stepkids have ebbed and flowed through the years.  There are times I feel close to them and then not so close.  Once you have established a relationship with your stepkids, you can find ways to connect with them by supporting them in things they enjoy doing.  Also, it may be helpful to find out which languages of love (The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman) your stepkids speak.

There may be some very difficult times but be patient and persevere.  In the end, they may forget what was said or done but they will not forget how you made them feel.  After all, you're not in this just to hang on, but to have good and lasting relationships with them.