Our Bundle of Joy

The other day I was holding my baby and it dawned on me that she isn't a baby anymore.  Our baby is two!  I remember the first time we mentioned to our kids that we felt like we were suppose to have a baby.  We got all kinds of responses.  "Dad, you are going to be so old by the time she is eighteen, she will be pushing you in a wheelchair."  "Are you guys sure you don't want a puppy."  There was excitement and then there was the freaking out moments.  I think it helped to give everybody the heads up, so when I finally got pregnant everybody was ok with it.  I remember the moment when we told everybody and it was like a quiet calm filled the room.  It was so awesome!  

Pumpkin has been an absolute joy to our family!  She has such an awesome unique relationship with everybody.  It is the sweetest thing to see how much love she brings to our family.  She definitely completes us and brings us all together. We love you little Pumpkin! 

Get a Teenager, just add Water!

Getting a teenager is NOT just adding water, you may be getting that confused with a Chia Pet.  I got my first teenager about three years ago; Drama Girl was 15 at the time.  Starting off with a teenager is not as simple as adding water and watching them blossom and grow.  A teenager needs constant love and support, and you must have an ever enduring tolerance for mood swings. Sure I have dealt with teenagers in church, but I have never had one for an extended period of time.   I have to admit I was a bit nervous and really did not know where my place was  since I was her stepmom.

 When you have a person come and live with you full time, you have to hurry up and get to know them. Except you really can't hurry up and get to know them it takes time for each of you to get adjusted to each other.  When they made Drama Girl, they broke the mold because there is nobody quite like Drama Girl(and I mean that in the most endearing way).  Drama Girl has the greatest imagination, is witty and very talented.  She  is also very opinioned and is not afraid to have her voice heard.  We have had some long talks and we quickly discovered that we didn't have to agree on everything but more importantly we just needed to have a mutual respect for each other and our beliefs. I have realized that if Drama Girl is having a bad day it doesn't mean that she hates me.  We have spoken candidly about different things and we have experienced a wide range of emotions.  

 Over time, I have began to discover that Drama Girl did not come in my life by accident.   Through the ups and downs I have learned to love Drama Girl in ways I have never imagined.   I have had the privledge of watching 15 year old Drama Girl turn into a vibrant beautiful woman; she is still the same person from three years ago, but just more refined and driven. 

Having gotten started a bit early on this teenage business, you would think that I have it all figured out: I should be able to do the same things I did with Drama Girl and it would work with everyone else.  That is a resounding NO!!  Every single one is different and unique in their own way. I think my goal in this  neverending journey of female teenagers is to see what I can learn about them and myself while developing a "tough skin" against the constant mood swings.   

Hamburgers?... or a Big Mac

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So the other day my friend commented that her divorce was final and it was definitely bittersweet.  I couldn't agree more!  Being single again, I got quite a bit of advice.  The one bit of advice that stuck is your going to date a lot of "hamburgers", but don't settle until you find that "Big Mac".   I was in my mid thirties and once again embarking on the dating scene.  The dating scene in your thirties isn't such a pretty sight.   Since it had been thirteen years since I dated, I was told that internet dating was the way to go.

Sitting in front of my computer staring at potential dating partners wasn't what I had planned to do on a Friday night.  And then there was the older singles scene, which consisted of guys old enough to be my dad trying to get my phone number.

I actually didn't mind internet dating because I could sift through the different "fish in the sea" and find someone that somewhat matched with my interests.  Once I did, I could chat with them,  then talk to them on the phone and then meet them in person.

So, I spent endless hours sifting through all of the "fish" and I found that everyone had baggage!  Now I know that I had baggage too, it just depends on what type of baggage you can handle.  The guys that were quite a bit younger than me didn't have the emotional maturity that I needed.  Then there were the guys who had never been married or had no kids who were still waiting for the next best thing.   After endless hours of singles socials and internet dating, I realized I was fine just hanging out and not dating.  All I was doing was running into guys that were like "plain old hamburgers."   I hadn't found the right one and I didn't want to settle for just anyone.

It was interesting that when I was finally content with my life and myself, is when my awesome "Big Mac" made his appearance.   One day while nonchalantly checking out the internet dating scene, there appeared my future husband right before my eyes.  The minute I saw him I knew he was the one.  I was a bit nervous because he had five kids and was eight years older than me.  I was worried that he would be a fuddy-dud.  Just like when you're house shopping and you walk into that perfect house, you feel at home, that's how I felt on our first date.  So long story short, I realized that he was my true love, my "Big Mac".  He is everything I wanted in a husband and he is definitely not a fuddy-dud. :)

Small Victories

This weekend I watched my husband spend time playing ball with my son and also patiently explaining what it means to be deacon in our church.  It was very touching to me to see how much he cares about my son. 


We have been married going on five years and I have seen so much progress in the different relationships in our blended family.  As a blended family it takes time to get use to each other and the different personalities.  In the beginning of our marriage not all of the personalities jived so well.  There was tears shed and much prayer.  Finally one day my husband came all excited and said he knew the answer.  Service that was the answer.  To serve the person that you don't get along with.  Now serving someone you may not get along with is not as easy as it seems.  Serving them is a very humbling experience and causes you to become closer to them and to have a better relationship with them over time.  It doesn't mean that you go skipping down the yellow brick road, there are definetely going to be things that you still struggle with. 


 A counselor once told me that this is common in any type of family, it is not just isolated in a blended family.  The difference in a blended family is you haven't grown up with all of these people, so it takes time to get use to each other. I have learned that everyone may have different viewpoints and may not be buddy buddy.  That's ok as long as the effort is being made to treat others the way they want to be treated. 

A Child's View

Once a child's parents have been divorced, do they wish that their parents were still together? 
 So my immediate answer was No.  That if each parent has married someone nice and treats the parent well and the child well then the child is happy seeing each parent happy.  Well that may not be necessarily true.  What do I know...my parent's were never divorced.  So I went to a good reliable source, my husband.  His parents split up when he was a teenager.  Drumroll please...


He said that as a kid he wished that he never had to go through the divorce.  It was painful and he missed seeing his Dad all the time.  But as time went on he realized that his parents were happier with other people.  

The Five Year Mark

So this last weekend I went to my friends wedding.  She is embarking on a new journey of blending families, a familiar one indeed. :)   We are coming up on our five year mark as a blended family.  You may say Five years isn't very long to be married, but there have been many lessons learned during this time.  So as I mentioned in my Time Out for Women article when I first embarked on this journey I had CONSTANT anxiety!!  But with time and experience my anxiety has started to level off.  So here are some of the things I have learned:

1.  Always treat people the way the savior would treat them.  This applies for everyone in a blended family ie stepkids, kids, ex spouses and their families, parents and inlaws.  This can be very tricky because you may not agree with their ideas or views of things, but it takes stepping back and thinking "how would the savior handle this situation or person."  

2.  You and your spouse are the foundation and you are a team.  I have found that if my husband and I communicate and understand each other, we can work through any problem we encounter.  Not to say that there are not huge problems, but we are able to handle them together.  

3.   This life on earth is but a moment of time.  Someone once told me, "we have the privledge of having children in our life to help them to learn and grow up."  Being a parent doesn't necessarily mean that you are their biological parent, it means being a parent to those that need you.  As they say "It takes a village to raise a child."  

4.  In a blended family, things are NEVER how you planned.  You have to be very flexible, you have to roll with the punches.

5.  Put yourself in the child's spot.  Always have the child's best interest in mind.  


6.  It takes time for your stepchildren to get to know who you are.  So you have to develop a "tough skin" which means try not to let everything they do hurt your feelings.  

7.  Last but not least, NEVER talk bad about the other parent to the children.  It will ALWAYS come back to bite you.  How would you feel if someone was talking bad about you behind your back?  If you must talk or vent find a person you fully trust. 

This is only the beginning, I have so much more still to learn... 

Enjoy the Ride

Ten years ago, I never thought that I would get divorced, remarried, and become a stepmom.  I had read about wicked stepmoms in fairy tales and I didn’t want that label.  It’s a hard one to go up against.  I really want to make a difference in my stepkids lives for the better.  

I feel like I’ve walked into an action-packed movie. The intensity at its peak and I'm a main character, but I don't know my lines or how to play my role.  How did I get to this point?  Well, it all began with the D word…

I was always a planner.  My goal from the time I was a girl was to meet someone, fall in love, get married in the temple and live happily ever after.  When I was twenty, I met a man who treated me well.  We seemed like best friends and could talk about anything.  We were married in the temple, but over time something was missing in our relationship.  After college, two kids and thirteen years later we were not connected.  There was that D word - divorce was on the horizon.  Words can't describe how my heart ached…

Where had I failed?  I attended church all my life and lived a good life.  I had married in the temple.  But where was my happy ending?  How could I find peace at this time in my life?

My answer was the temple and the healing power of Christ.  Before this trial hit, I had never felt such an overwhelming love from my Savior.  There were times I just wanted to close my eyes, like being on a roller coaster, and hold my breath until the ride came to a stop.  I couldn't do that because I had two children that needed me.  I realized Heavenly Father was my anchor.  This was the beginning of the healing process.

Being divorced and single again is hard to explain unless you’ve been there.  Dating is strange – it’s not the same as when you are younger. I started the dating experience again - single's parties, online dating and being set up.  This was a difficult time, but I knew I should not settle for just anyone.  I thought it might be easier to date someone with no children until I got the impression, “what’s wrong with helping someone else with their kids?” One day soon after, he was right there in front of me on my PC!   I saw his face and knew he was the one I was to marry. I said, “He has five kids - you must be kidding!”  I was used to dating men without children, so I didn't call him up and tell him I knew it was meant to be.  I did just opposite and ran!  I didn’t think I could handle that many kids, especially teenagers.  I was intimidated, but that sweet guy, my future husband, won my heart.  However, the minute that beautiful engagement ring hit my finger the roller coaster ride sped up, and I had to tighten my seatbelt! This is not a ride for the faint of heart –  it’s about being a mom and stepmom. 



Over the last 4 1/2 years we’ve endured so many different situations, like blending our families, dealing with teenagers, becoming grandparents, working with ex-spouses and having a baby. In the beginning, I woke up every day with anxiety not knowing what to expect.  Being in a blended family is like managing a small corporation and making sure all the puzzle pieces fit together.

Even though its been such an intense ride, I would not trade my experience for anything.  I have grown so immensely from this situation and have learned to love beyond measure.  I am here now to share the details of my adventure with those who may be struggling or need a shoulder to lean on.  I hope my adventure can help you…