I'M GUILTY!

With the new year upon us and with much reflection, I realized that I am guilty of holding a grudge.  There - I said it!  What I have learned is holding a grudge, feeding it, talking to it and reflecting on it hurts ME and not anyone else.  To eliminate the torture and anguish that is caused by holding grudges, it is truly best to just forgive.  Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.  Yes it is easy to say that I will forgive but sometimes it is hard to put that into action.  I have also found that the most important person to forgive is myself.  

Melody Beattie says it best in her book, Codependent No More. "Forgiveness causes us to be comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why.  We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience.... And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.”  Forgiveness helps us to grow and learn from our experience.  I believe by forgiving we can grow in a positive way and become a better person. 

This also hit home in the movie Collateral Beauty.  The thing that impressed me the most is Will Smith plays a man who loses his daughter and is angry and unwilling to move forward because he is holding a grudge.  He notices all the negative things that come from his loss and refuses to see the beauty that surrounds him.  

I have been through my share of difficult times just like everybody else, but what helps me is to realize there are many things to be grateful for.  I want to reflect on all the positive things in my life, unload that heavy begrudging burden and shine.

I'M GOING TO GO AND GET A SHISH KABOB!

Our family goes to Disneyland about once a year.  It's fun but can be overwhelming, especially when my husband sends me and our six-year old daughter up Tarzan's tree house (and I'm scared of heights!)  I came down from the tree house and was so fed up, I said, "I'm going to go get a shish kabob!"

Let me rewind a bit.  I grew up an only child.  I was born when my parents were in their late thirties and I was the center of their universe.  As a girl, I envisioned growing up and having a large family.  my children would never fight and everyone would get along great.  I know that you feel like throwing up from all the sweetness, but I truly thought that this is how it would be.  When you don't have siblings and live the day-to-day realities of life in a big family, you fantasize how it would be.

Fast forward to today.  In our blended family we have so many different personalities it can get overwhelming at times.  However, I am navigating through them all and realizing that everyone in our family has something positive to contribute.  We don't all offer the same thing but we can benefit from each person.  Our different personalities help to make our family unique and very interesting.

Something else I have learned is to not have set expectations of how I think relationships should be.  By expecting them to be a certain way, I set myself up for failure.  Because of all the different personalities, and many of my family members have not been around me all of their life, our pattern of thinking is different from each other.  The experience of being in a blended family, especially after growing up as an only child has really opened my eyes and helped me to be more open minded to different perspectives.

One last thing I have realized in all of this is that I only have control of myself.  So all I really can do is be me and contribute what I have to offer.  And of course when things start to get a bit too much, I take a break and get a shish kabob!

What I learned from my Divorce

I will admit I remember thinking years ago when someone was divorced that there must be something wrong with them; or what did they do to get in that place? Then all of a sudden there I was - DIVORCED! When I got divorced I couldn't muster up the energy to even say the word - Divorced.  Now, here I was sitting alongside all of these perfect families and mine was broken.  What could have possibly gone so wrong?

Well, it has been twelve years since I went through that time in my life and this is what I have learned:

• I am only in control of my own actions.  I can't control how someone else acts and the choices they make.
• I have a kind and loving Heavenly Father who ALWAYS and FOREVER will love me!
• How could I have possibly grown if I hadn't gone through this trial? My life has been richly blessed with so many people.  I would have never known them if this had not happened to me.  
• I have learned to be more empathetic.  
• I have learned to be less judgemental of others, and to learn more about them and their story.  
• I have learned that it isn't always my plan or what I think, but that God has a better plan for me.
• Sometimes when you are married, you take it for granted.  Being married takes ALOT of hard work from both people.  There are some really high points and then some really low points, but by working through it with Gods help, it is possible.  
• Always work on keeping your marriage alive.  Go on dates, forgive each other and ALWAYS, ALWAYS communicate.  

Believe it or not, there is life after divorce!  I did get remarried, but I didn't walk off into the sunset because life still constantly deals me challenges, but I also experience great joy too.  My life is so richly blessed by the many people and experiences I have had since my divorce.  I have come to realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if hadn't experienced this difficult time in my life.

What I learned this Mother's Day

Every year when May rolls around and I see Mother's Day on the calendar, I dread it.  The reason is because I am not sure what I should expect from my kids and my stepkids.  I know Mother's Day can be hard for many people.   I don't want to build myself up to be disappointed but sometimes I just am.

I sent messages to all my stepmom friends to get their take on it and their support.  After reflecting about it for a week before Mother's Day, I decided it was best to just be open-minded and not to have a lot of expectations.  I was pleasantly surprised on Mother's Day by the people that remembered me.  For example, my older stepkids remembered me by giving me a nice card and flowers.   The relationship I have established over the years with them is priceless to me.  I was remembered by several others who I wasn't actually their mother, but in some ways in their life, I was a mother figure to them.   I also got simple, nice notes from the kids in our home and the words that were said meant millions to me.  My husband remembered me and made me feel appreciated too.

I also feel like Mother's Day is a day to look outside myself and honor those ladies that have played a role of mother in my life.  I was able to honor my mom.  With age, I have come to appreciate my mom more and more.  When I was younger, I knew that she loved me.  She was involved in all of my activities and she took good care of me.  But just lately I have had some ah ha moments.  The moments when you reflect on your life and remember your mom saying, "you will understand when you get older".  Well, those times have come!  I see now the things from my childhood that she did with me are thread throughout my adult life.  I also see where I may have hurt her too.  It is interesting how age and trials do that to a person.  How you are finally able to relate and understand what your mom was saying all along.  I have learned from my mom to try to always be positive and grateful. My mom has not had the easiest life, but she puts a smile on her face and makes the best of it.  I hope to be that type of lady someday.

Then I have my mother-in law who has raised a man who is a kind, hardworking and a compassionate husband.  She is fun and very generous.  From the first time I meet her, she welcomed me and my children into her life. She is an awesome grandma to all of our children. I admire how she takes time to spend one on one time with each of her grandchildren. I have enjoyed developing a good relationship with her and I have learned so many valuable lessons from her.

My sweet daughter-in-law is a wonderful mom to our grandkids.  She is very involved in their lives. I love how she focuses on each of her children and what their interests are. She does the mothering thing 110% and it shows! She is teaching her boys to be honorable and respectable young men.

My kid's stepmom has taught them good things that I may not have thought about.  Because of the many influences in their lives, it has helped them to become well-rounded individuals.

Just as my life has been touched by many mother figures, our kids can also be mothered and learn wonderful things. There really is so much more to Mother's Day then just me.  There are all the people that impact our lives and our children's lives as well.

What divorced Mom's should know about Stepmom's

In the our stepmom group for this month we reviewed this fabulous article written in the Stepparent magazine by Jenna Korf.  Our thoughts are written in bold.




1.She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.
Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.
They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.
It's important to try not to judge.  Have a open mind about what is happening.

2.It’s not about YOU, (meaning the Bio-mom).
A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”

The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.

 She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.

Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.
The Stepmom is just thinking about her own family.  Do your best to show a good example to the kids.

3.Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.
Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.
It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.
In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.
This was a big topic in our meeting.  We as stepmom's feel very helpless and alone.  Several of us have been to Disneyland with our blended families, the happiest place on earth, and have felt very alone there.  We feel as stepmom's we have the maternal role at our house with no right's to back the decisions we make.  Our solution was to go to counseling and find support groups.  Sometimes stepping away from the situation for a bit can help.

4.When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive.
Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.
Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren, and when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.
Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.
YES, YES!  We couldn't agree more.  It definitely changes the tone and the kids tend to miss their mom more.  If the kids are gone for a longer period of time, have a specific time of day that they can talk with their bio-mom.  As a bio-mom you do miss your kids, but they need the opportunity to have an uninterrupted time at their Dad's house. 

5.Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.
They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary.  It’s not intentional.
Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.
But they don’t.
This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.
Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.
As the Bio-mom you just need to keep in mind that the stepmom is in most cases well intended. Use a lot of positive self talk to convince yourself.  If it is difficult find a trusted friend to talk to about it.  Whatever you do, don't make it hard on the kids.  In divorce everyone in the equation is paying a price from the decision. 

 6.A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing.
And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over; they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.
This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.
We really didn't dwell on this subject.

7.Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren.
There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human.
Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.
And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.
Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.
But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.
Stepmom's find that they are constantly in the middle making everyone happy.  That can be very exhausting.  Take some time for yourself and step away. 

8.A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.
Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward.  They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.
They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love.  So, to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.
I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.
Two simple words can be so valuable.  I know from personal experience that I cherish those times that I have been thanked.