Have I Done Enough?

I have heard this from numerous women lately and I sometimes wonder this myself.  HAVE I DONE ENOUGH?  As one of those women,  I have feelings of being inadequate and not matching up to my own expectations.

The other day I was talking to one of my stepmom friends.  She was expressing the pain and hurt that she felt from her stepson.  She had practically raised him and now that he's moved out of their home and he never talks to her.  She was so heartbroken because she wondered if she had even made an impact on his life or if her efforts were meaningless.  It is easy to feel discouraged as a stepmom.

Before I married my husband, I dated men who were quite a bit younger than me with no children.  One day I got the distinct impression, "what is wrong with helping someone with their kids"?  I knew right then and there that I should start dating men with kids, and soon after that I met the man I would marry.   Because of that impression I felt like I was supposed to move mountains and change the world! But what I have come to realize is the best way to change the world and move mountains is by the simple things I can do as a stepmom and mom.  I believe that even though I am not biologically related to my step kids, I have been put in their lives for a reason. In a stepmom/stepchild relationship, they haven't known me since birth so it takes time to get used to each other.

There is light at the end of the tunnel! As another stepmom shared with me, she was a stepkid and then later in life she became a stepmom.  As a stepmom she reflected back on all the things that her stepmom had done for her.  She then understood the journey her stepmom had been on and was amazed at how she had shown her unconditional love and had been there in so many situations.

As a women and especially as a mother and stepmom, we all need to realize that - WE ARE DOING ENOUGH!!   The expectations you have today may not be fulfilled until further down the road.  Remember to be kinder and gentler with yourselves.  Be who you are and know that the simple things you do impact those around you.

I'M GUILTY!

With the new year upon us and with much reflection, I realized that I am guilty of holding a grudge.  There - I said it!  What I have learned is holding a grudge, feeding it, talking to it and reflecting on it hurts ME and not anyone else.  To eliminate the torture and anguish that is caused by holding grudges, it is truly best to just forgive.  Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.  Yes it is easy to say that I will forgive but sometimes it is hard to put that into action.  I have also found that the most important person to forgive is myself.  

Melody Beattie says it best in her book, Codependent No More. "Forgiveness causes us to be comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why.  We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience.... And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.”  Forgiveness helps us to grow and learn from our experience.  I believe by forgiving we can grow in a positive way and become a better person. 

This also hit home in the movie Collateral Beauty.  The thing that impressed me the most is Will Smith plays a man who loses his daughter and is angry and unwilling to move forward because he is holding a grudge.  He notices all the negative things that come from his loss and refuses to see the beauty that surrounds him.  

I have been through my share of difficult times just like everybody else, but what helps me is to realize there are many things to be grateful for.  I want to reflect on all the positive things in my life, unload that heavy begrudging burden and shine.

I'M GOING TO GO AND GET A SHISH KABOB!

Our family goes to Disneyland about once a year.  It's fun but can be overwhelming, especially when my husband sends me and our six-year old daughter up Tarzan's tree house (and I'm scared of heights!)  I came down from the tree house and was so fed up, I said, "I'm going to go get a shish kabob!"

Let me rewind a bit.  I grew up an only child.  I was born when my parents were in their late thirties and I was the center of their universe.  As a girl, I envisioned growing up and having a large family.  my children would never fight and everyone would get along great.  I know that you feel like throwing up from all the sweetness, but I truly thought that this is how it would be.  When you don't have siblings and live the day-to-day realities of life in a big family, you fantasize how it would be.

Fast forward to today.  In our blended family we have so many different personalities it can get overwhelming at times.  However, I am navigating through them all and realizing that everyone in our family has something positive to contribute.  We don't all offer the same thing but we can benefit from each person.  Our different personalities help to make our family unique and very interesting.

Something else I have learned is to not have set expectations of how I think relationships should be.  By expecting them to be a certain way, I set myself up for failure.  Because of all the different personalities, and many of my family members have not been around me all of their life, our pattern of thinking is different from each other.  The experience of being in a blended family, especially after growing up as an only child has really opened my eyes and helped me to be more open minded to different perspectives.

One last thing I have realized in all of this is that I only have control of myself.  So all I really can do is be me and contribute what I have to offer.  And of course when things start to get a bit too much, I take a break and get a shish kabob!

Are we the Cookie Cutter Stepfamily?

Recently in our stepmom meeting we discussed the different stages of a stepfamily.  It was a very interesting topic to me and I have spent some time reflecting on how I view our blended family.

In Dr. Patricia Papernow's article, "Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies", she discusses different stages that the stepfamily may encounter.  The Stepfamily Life cycle is broken down into Early, Middle and Late cycles.

The Early stages (1-2 yrs)

 Fantasy-we live happily ever after as a nuclear family.
 Immersion-facing realities, feelings of jealousy and confusion.
Awareness- A better understanding of the different relationships.

The Middle Stages (2-3 yrs)

Mobilization-upheaval and complaints shared.
Action-Finding boundaries, laying groundwork.

The Late Stages (5 yr mark)

Contact - stepfamily gets into a groove; relationships build.
Resolution- Endured prior stages, different opinion-not as threatening.

In our blended family, I don't feel like it is so cut and dried as it states above.  I have viewed our family in all the different stages and still after ten years, we still continue to be circulating through those different stages.  Unfortunately just because you meet a five year mark, everything doesn't always run smoothly.  It does help that some of the different personalities have gotten used to each other.  Since I am somewhat of a romantic, I think I have viewed our blended family more in the fantasy stage.  But I have come to realize that we are not a nuclear family.

Being in a blended family has been such a learning process for me and has been very difficult for me at times.  We are a bunch of different personalities that come together to have fun.  We share common interests such as Disneyland, holidays traditions and Costco (but don't tell anyone that I really love Costco:) and believe it or not those interests are what unite us as a blended bunch.

What I learned this Mother's Day

Every year when May rolls around and I see Mother's Day on the calendar, I dread it.  The reason is because I am not sure what I should expect from my kids and my stepkids.  I know Mother's Day can be hard for many people.   I don't want to build myself up to be disappointed but sometimes I just am.

I sent messages to all my stepmom friends to get their take on it and their support.  After reflecting about it for a week before Mother's Day, I decided it was best to just be open-minded and not to have a lot of expectations.  I was pleasantly surprised on Mother's Day by the people that remembered me.  For example, my older stepkids remembered me by giving me a nice card and flowers.   The relationship I have established over the years with them is priceless to me.  I was remembered by several others who I wasn't actually their mother, but in some ways in their life, I was a mother figure to them.   I also got simple, nice notes from the kids in our home and the words that were said meant millions to me.  My husband remembered me and made me feel appreciated too.

I also feel like Mother's Day is a day to look outside myself and honor those ladies that have played a role of mother in my life.  I was able to honor my mom.  With age, I have come to appreciate my mom more and more.  When I was younger, I knew that she loved me.  She was involved in all of my activities and she took good care of me.  But just lately I have had some ah ha moments.  The moments when you reflect on your life and remember your mom saying, "you will understand when you get older".  Well, those times have come!  I see now the things from my childhood that she did with me are thread throughout my adult life.  I also see where I may have hurt her too.  It is interesting how age and trials do that to a person.  How you are finally able to relate and understand what your mom was saying all along.  I have learned from my mom to try to always be positive and grateful. My mom has not had the easiest life, but she puts a smile on her face and makes the best of it.  I hope to be that type of lady someday.

Then I have my mother-in law who has raised a man who is a kind, hardworking and a compassionate husband.  She is fun and very generous.  From the first time I meet her, she welcomed me and my children into her life. She is an awesome grandma to all of our children. I admire how she takes time to spend one on one time with each of her grandchildren. I have enjoyed developing a good relationship with her and I have learned so many valuable lessons from her.

My sweet daughter-in-law is a wonderful mom to our grandkids.  She is very involved in their lives. I love how she focuses on each of her children and what their interests are. She does the mothering thing 110% and it shows! She is teaching her boys to be honorable and respectable young men.

My kid's stepmom has taught them good things that I may not have thought about.  Because of the many influences in their lives, it has helped them to become well-rounded individuals.

Just as my life has been touched by many mother figures, our kids can also be mothered and learn wonderful things. There really is so much more to Mother's Day then just me.  There are all the people that impact our lives and our children's lives as well.

How to Help Kids in Blended Families Transition Between Homes

It can be difficult for the kids to go between two houses.   There are several things that can be done to help make the transition easier.  

*   It is important that they each have their own rooms.  That way they have their own space to retreat to so they can adjust back to the different family environment.  

*  Have pictures of everyone in the family hanging around the house.  

*  Have a family meeting once a week where expectations and responsibilities are set.

 *  Set up individual dates with each of the kids so they understand how important they are to the family.  That way they are able to maintain a relationship with their biological parent and establish one with their stepparent.  

*  Always keep the lines of communication open with all of the kids so they get use to talking about things that concern them.

*  Always be consistent in the family routine so they know what to expect.  

How do you help the kids that permanently live in the home adapt to their other siblings coming and going?

It can be hard for these children because they may be close to their siblings.  Younger children may not understand why they are leaving and older children may be sad to see them go.  Here are several things you can do to help them.

*   Set up a calendar and highlight the times their siblings will be there.  That way they are able to mark off the days until they get back to their house.  

*   If you own an ipod have them text their siblings when they are not at the house to keep in contact.  

*  Since it can be difficult for them, have a certain special activity that they do during those times.  That way they are doing something they enjoy and are distracted.  

Transitioning from home to home takes time.  Try to be patient and flexible.  By giving them their space it helps them to transition easier.  

Do You Have Courage?

The other day I was reading a touching post on facebook from a friend of mine.  She is also in a blended family.  Her stepson had entered the hospital and she had gone along with her husband to support him.  In the sweet picture she posted of her stepson she stated that he has his mother's love and his father's support.  Not once did she mention anything about herself.  What a great example of unconditional love she displayed.  She merely had the courage to support.  Sometimes as a stepparent you feel like a third wheel.  You are not sure where you belong and you definitely don't want to step on toes.  Being in a blended family is about providing each child with a healthy environment despite the dynamics that may be involved.  Even though you may feel like a third wheel, you must have the courage to take the higher road, not saying everything that you would want to say, and just try to find peace amongst the turmoil that surrounds you.  I believe that this sweet lady may have had all kinds of emotions and realized that she couldn't control the situation so she just needed to find peace with what she was dealt.   Since that post I have reflected on how I might be able to be courageous amongst the turmoil that surrounds me.  Several things have stood out to me:

1.  You may not have control of much, but you have control of you.  For example, you can control how you perceive things.  Some ways of doing this may be to use positive self talk and to understand God knows all things, and leave it in his hands. 

2.  Don't set yourself up for failure by having certain expectations.  Just try to be happy with the times spent together and the memories that have been created. 

3.  Be gentle on yourself and others.  We all have our story full of some easy and difficult things.  Just believe in who you are.  A quote from Jeffry H. Larson sums it up, " God loves because of who you are, not because of what you did or didn't do.

In conclusion, there are those who show courage through leading the battle from the front and there are those who show silent courage by supporting from the back.  My friend showed me the example of silent courage.

DID YOU SURVIVE THE HOLIDAY'S?

Just recently I read this article in a stepmom magazine that asked, “Do we lose ourselves if we aren’t mindful?”  It described how trying to be everything to everyone, while living under the microscope of scrutiny by another home or by kids in our own home, can lead to erosion of the body, mind and spirit.  This can happen during times of family celebration.  For example, during holidays, are you stressed and tense expecting the worst or not really knowing what to expect?  At our last stepmom meeting we addressed several related questions: 

Were you able to start new traditions or continue your traditions from previous years?  

Many of the women in the group started new traditions with their families.  Traditions make you feel less isolated.  Those traditions, along with the ones that were already established, were successful.  Even though it may be hard, we all agreed that sometimes it is easier to celebrate the holiday on a different day.  By celebrating the holiday on a different day the family is able to have all the kids together without any interruption and it is less stressful for the kids and the parents.   

Did you feel like you were able to see the kids a sufficient amount of time?  

We felt that the plan for the amount of time the kids would spend should be written out and addressed with all the parents.  That way everyone knows what to expect.  Don’t go through the kids on this.  It makes them feel like they are in the middle and stresses them out.  Make sure that all the parents know and agree to the plan.  This eliminates miscommunication and chaos for the kids.   

Were there times you felt isolated or alone during the holidays?

  As a stepmom, you can be surrounded by a lot of people and still feel alone.  I think this correlates with the quote at the beginning of this article.  Sometimes by trying to be everything to everyone, you put too much pressure on yourself and end up feeling alone.  Ways to remedy this situation include making sure your hubby knows that you want to be included in his things.  Or, if it’s just going to be you and your husband for the holiday, start new traditions for just the two of you.   

Some of the things that we learned from the holidays: 

*       Celebrate on a different day

*       Let go of expectations - be open to change. 

*       Set new traditions with your husband. 

*       Show respect and be cordial.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.   

*       Have a plan for the holidays and then stick with that plan. 

*       Be a good example and always be the bigger person.  Never talk bad about the other parent to        the kids.