I loved the Stepmom Retreat! It was so awesome to mingle with other stepmom's that know and understand how you feel. The ladies that organized the event were wonderful! I would highly recommend going to the Dallas retreat next year! Come and check it out at www.sisterhoodofstepmoms.com. Here are some things I learned from the stepmom retreat:
Being a Stepmom....
With first marriages, Mom and Dad are initially in the front seat the child/children are in the back seat. Then Divorce happens and child moves to the front seat and gets comfy. With Remarriage the kid resist the stepmom in the front seat. Dad needs to talk to the kid about moving to the back seat. Kid and stepmom can’t both sit in the front seat. Dad needs to reassure the kid about sitting in the back seat. Stepmom should never tell kids to sit in the backseat.
As a stepmom you were chosen by their father. You were not necessarily chosen by them. Initially you are “Guests in their life” It takes time and patience to build trust and a relationship with them. Be a positive female role model. You are making a difference in their lives, they are watching you. It takes 4-7 yrs for a stepfamily relationship to come together.
When you come into the relationship each kid has a backpack of emotions before you even come into the relationship.
They make assumptions before even getting to know you
Adult kids are emerging into adulthood and they are unsure of their place
You must set Healthy Boundaries - Boundaries give freedom to say yes and no.
When you come into the equation as a stepmom you must decide what portion belongs to who with stepkids. The stepkid has been used to a certain thing for so long. Realize what is their stuff and respect that.
“Emotional fences not walls” Don’t build walls just maintain fences. That way things are flexible and not too difficult.
Have limits set so you can love and work. Limits that wouldn’t cause resentment.
As a stepmom you come into the marriage with high hopes of an instant family. Stepkids in general do not usually have the same high hopes.
Don’t try to change them. Accept them for who they are and they will be more open to accept you.
You can’t control the other household!
How one of your stepkids behaves isn’t towards you necessarily or about you. “It’s how she or he feels at the time. Don’t react immediately to hurtful things that are said or done.
Continually loss can cause rage.
Avoid being defensive. Just listen to what your stepkid is saying.
Choose to love your stepkids
Emotional Issues
There is a lot of emotional issues with stepkids. They are used to b-days and holidays being a certain way. Honor what is important to them. You can start new traditions while keeping the old traditions that are important to them.
Try to have a good co-parenting relationship. This is best for the kids. Don’t talk to the kids about their parent. Talk to other stepmom’s.
Because of the history that they have already built with their Dad you may feel like an emotional outsider. Even though it is hard, it is ok to not be part of the story.
Have Listening Boundaries
Instead of saying anything, say “I’ll have to think about that”
“Bite your tongue”
Help them feel understood
Watch them and pray for your stepkids. By praying you are in the battleground with them.
Say things like “I’m sure you will figure it out”
Reassure them of what they are doing.
Invitations not obligations. Invite them to come. “If you have time you are welcome to come. Don’t make them feel obligated.
If you want to suggest something always start it by saying “would you be open to a suggestion”
Avoid “You should” or “You need to”
Don’t should on yourself and should on other people.
Boundaries with their Father
Let them spend time alone together. Insist that they spend time with their Dad. The kids will appreciate that and over time they value you because you encouraged and allowed it.
Honor that relationship with their Dad. Encourage good communication.
Be cautious about being too critical to him about his kids. Instead of complaining when he complain. Ask him what you think they should do?
Being critical of hubby doesn’t make him stronger or improve your marriage. Before you speak, ask these questions:
• Is it right?
• Is it true?
• Is it necessary?
Don’t unnecessarily insert yourself in to his stuff with his adult kids.
You can kindly ask him if he wants your perspective.
Do a date night often. It helps you to reconnect. On your date night don’t talk about kids or ex-spouses.
Don’t bury things. Talk through things. Communiciation is important. Maybe after a weekend of having kids talk about what was good and what didn’t work the weekend with kids.
Boundaries with their Mom
Never say anything if you can’t say anything positive about their mom
Boundaries with Siblings
Don’t take sides. Each kid is in a different place emotionally and spiritually.
Don’t make them feel obligated to be part of the family. Let them come on their terms. Sometimes it takes time.
Expectations
Behind every complaint is a desire and behind disappointment is an expectation.
Where do expectations come from?
As a stepmom your expectations may be based on
*personal desires
*to fix brokeness but you can’t fix brokeness.
Our role as a stepmom coming into the marriage with adult stepkids and all stepkids is to be a “cheerleader” Being a cheerleader by offering words of affirmation. By not being too overwhelming and offering words of affirmation they will come to you. As they got to know me and heard me encourage them, it has built a relationship of trust and mutual respect.
Instead of trying to be the mother. Be the older adult in their life. Reassure them that you are not trying to be their mom.
Try not to get involved in emotional up’s and downs.
Stepkids are very loyal to their biological parents. Pay attention to that and be respectful.
Any relationship you get with a stepkid is a gift.
Let go of expectations and put yourself in their shoes and try to see where they are coming from.
LOVE
Love is knowledge and it is huge. It is easy to love your biologicial kids but not the same grace and mercy with your stepkids. It takes time and time to build that relationship.
The child has basic needs-to be emotionally stable.
Find out which of the five languages of love fit your stepkids.
Find ways to connect with your stepkid. Find something that they enjoy doing and involve yourself it that.
People will forget what was said or done but they will not forget how you made them feel.
If it is difficult in the beginning, try to build a relationship with your stepkids for your hubby. It is important to him and he will see the effort on his behalf.
As stepmom’s we can be the repair legacy. We can build that legacy by making new traditions.
I loved the Stepmom Retreat! It was so awesome to mingle with other stepmom's that know and understand how you feel. The ladies that organized the event were wonderful! I would highly recommend going to the Dallas retreat next year! Come and check it out at www.sisterhoodofstepmoms.com. Here are some things I learned from the stepmom retreat:
Being a Stepmom....
With first marriages, Mom and Dad are initially in the front seat the child/children are in the back seat. Then Divorce happens and child moves to the front seat and gets comfy. With Remarriage the kid resist the stepmom in the front seat. Dad needs to talk to the kid about moving to the back seat. Kid and stepmom can’t both sit in the front seat. Dad needs to reassure the kid about sitting in the back seat. Stepmom should never tell kids to sit in the backseat.
As a stepmom you were chosen by their father. You were not necessarily chosen by them. Initially you are “Guests in their life” It takes time and patience to build trust and a relationship with them. Be a positive female role model. You are making a difference in their lives, they are watching you. It takes 4-7 yrs for a stepfamily relationship to come together.
When you come into the relationship each kid has a backpack of emotions before you even come into the relationship.
They make assumptions before even getting to know you
Adult kids are emerging into adulthood and they are unsure of their place
You must set Healthy Boundaries - Boundaries give freedom to say yes and no.
When you come into the equation as a stepmom you must decide what portion belongs to who with stepkids. The stepkid has been used to a certain thing for so long. Realize what is their stuff and respect that.
“Emotional fences not walls” Don’t build walls just maintain fences. That way things are flexible and not too difficult.
Have limits set so you can love and work. Limits that wouldn’t cause resentment.
As a stepmom you come into the marriage with high hopes of an instant family. Stepkids in general do not usually have the same high hopes.
Don’t try to change them. Accept them for who they are and they will be more open to accept you.
You can’t control the other household!
How one of your stepkids behaves isn’t towards you necessarily or about you. “It’s how she or he feels at the time. Don’t react immediately to hurtful things that are said or done.
Continually loss can cause rage.
Avoid being defensive. Just listen to what your stepkid is saying.
Choose to love your stepkids
Emotional Issues
There is a lot of emotional issues with stepkids. They are used to b-days and holidays being a certain way. Honor what is important to them. You can start new traditions while keeping the old traditions that are important to them.
Try to have a good co-parenting relationship. This is best for the kids. Don’t talk to the kids about their parent. Talk to other stepmom’s.
Because of the history that they have already built with their Dad you may feel like an emotional outsider. Even though it is hard, it is ok to not be part of the story.
Have Listening Boundaries
Instead of saying anything, say “I’ll have to think about that”
“Bite your tongue”
Help them feel understood
Watch them and pray for your stepkids. By praying you are in the battleground with them.
Say things like “I’m sure you will figure it out”
Reassure them of what they are doing.
Invitations not obligations. Invite them to come. “If you have time you are welcome to come. Don’t make them feel obligated.
If you want to suggest something always start it by saying “would you be open to a suggestion”
Avoid “You should” or “You need to”
Don’t should on yourself and should on other people.
Boundaries with their Father
Let them spend time alone together. Insist that they spend time with their Dad. The kids will appreciate that and over time they value you because you encouraged and allowed it.
Honor that relationship with their Dad. Encourage good communication.
Be cautious about being too critical to him about his kids. Instead of complaining when he complain. Ask him what you think they should do?
Being critical of hubby doesn’t make him stronger or improve your marriage. Before you speak, ask these questions:
• Is it right?
• Is it true?
• Is it necessary?
Don’t unnecessarily insert yourself in to his stuff with his adult kids.
You can kindly ask him if he wants your perspective.
Do a date night often. It helps you to reconnect. On your date night don’t talk about kids or ex-spouses.
Don’t bury things. Talk through things. Communiciation is important. Maybe after a weekend of having kids talk about what was good and what didn’t work the weekend with kids.
Boundaries with their Mom
Never say anything if you can’t say anything positive about their mom
Boundaries with Siblings
Don’t take sides. Each kid is in a different place emotionally and spiritually.
Don’t make them feel obligated to be part of the family. Let them come on their terms. Sometimes it takes time.
Expectations
Behind every complaint is a desire and behind disappointment is an expectation.
Where do expectations come from?
As a stepmom your expectations may be based on
*personal desires
*to fix brokeness but you can’t fix brokeness.
Our role as a stepmom coming into the marriage with adult stepkids and all stepkids is to be a “cheerleader” Being a cheerleader by offering words of affirmation. By not being too overwhelming and offering words of affirmation they will come to you. As they got to know me and heard me encourage them, it has built a relationship of trust and mutual respect.
Instead of trying to be the mother. Be the older adult in their life. Reassure them that you are not trying to be their mom.
Try not to get involved in emotional up’s and downs.
Stepkids are very loyal to their biological parents. Pay attention to that and be respectful.
Any relationship you get with a stepkid is a gift.
Let go of expectations and put yourself in their shoes and try to see where they are coming from.
LOVE
Love is knowledge and it is huge. It is easy to love your biologicial kids but not the same grace and mercy with your stepkids. It takes time and time to build that relationship.
The child has basic needs-to be emotionally stable.
Find out which of the five languages of love fit your stepkids.
Find ways to connect with your stepkid. Find something that they enjoy doing and involve yourself it that.
People will forget what was said or done but they will not forget how you made them feel.
If it is difficult in the beginning, try to build a relationship with your stepkids for your hubby. It is important to him and he will see the effort on his behalf.
As stepmom’s we can be the repair legacy. We can build that legacy by making new traditions.
