Have I Done Enough?

I have heard this from numerous women lately and I sometimes wonder this myself.  HAVE I DONE ENOUGH?  As one of those women,  I have feelings of being inadequate and not matching up to my own expectations.

The other day I was talking to one of my stepmom friends.  She was expressing the pain and hurt that she felt from her stepson.  She had practically raised him and now that he's moved out of their home and he never talks to her.  She was so heartbroken because she wondered if she had even made an impact on his life or if her efforts were meaningless.  It is easy to feel discouraged as a stepmom.

Before I married my husband, I dated men who were quite a bit younger than me with no children.  One day I got the distinct impression, "what is wrong with helping someone with their kids"?  I knew right then and there that I should start dating men with kids, and soon after that I met the man I would marry.   Because of that impression I felt like I was supposed to move mountains and change the world! But what I have come to realize is the best way to change the world and move mountains is by the simple things I can do as a stepmom and mom.  I believe that even though I am not biologically related to my step kids, I have been put in their lives for a reason. In a stepmom/stepchild relationship, they haven't known me since birth so it takes time to get used to each other.

There is light at the end of the tunnel! As another stepmom shared with me, she was a stepkid and then later in life she became a stepmom.  As a stepmom she reflected back on all the things that her stepmom had done for her.  She then understood the journey her stepmom had been on and was amazed at how she had shown her unconditional love and had been there in so many situations.

As a women and especially as a mother and stepmom, we all need to realize that - WE ARE DOING ENOUGH!!   The expectations you have today may not be fulfilled until further down the road.  Remember to be kinder and gentler with yourselves.  Be who you are and know that the simple things you do impact those around you.

I'M GUILTY!

With the new year upon us and with much reflection, I realized that I am guilty of holding a grudge.  There - I said it!  What I have learned is holding a grudge, feeding it, talking to it and reflecting on it hurts ME and not anyone else.  To eliminate the torture and anguish that is caused by holding grudges, it is truly best to just forgive.  Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.  Yes it is easy to say that I will forgive but sometimes it is hard to put that into action.  I have also found that the most important person to forgive is myself.  

Melody Beattie says it best in her book, Codependent No More. "Forgiveness causes us to be comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why.  We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience.... And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.”  Forgiveness helps us to grow and learn from our experience.  I believe by forgiving we can grow in a positive way and become a better person. 

This also hit home in the movie Collateral Beauty.  The thing that impressed me the most is Will Smith plays a man who loses his daughter and is angry and unwilling to move forward because he is holding a grudge.  He notices all the negative things that come from his loss and refuses to see the beauty that surrounds him.  

I have been through my share of difficult times just like everybody else, but what helps me is to realize there are many things to be grateful for.  I want to reflect on all the positive things in my life, unload that heavy begrudging burden and shine.