DID YOU SURVIVE THE HOLIDAY'S?

Just recently I read this article in a stepmom magazine that asked, “Do we lose ourselves if we aren’t mindful?”  It described how trying to be everything to everyone, while living under the microscope of scrutiny by another home or by kids in our own home, can lead to erosion of the body, mind and spirit.  This can happen during times of family celebration.  For example, during holidays, are you stressed and tense expecting the worst or not really knowing what to expect?  At our last stepmom meeting we addressed several related questions: 

Were you able to start new traditions or continue your traditions from previous years?  

Many of the women in the group started new traditions with their families.  Traditions make you feel less isolated.  Those traditions, along with the ones that were already established, were successful.  Even though it may be hard, we all agreed that sometimes it is easier to celebrate the holiday on a different day.  By celebrating the holiday on a different day the family is able to have all the kids together without any interruption and it is less stressful for the kids and the parents.   

Did you feel like you were able to see the kids a sufficient amount of time?  

We felt that the plan for the amount of time the kids would spend should be written out and addressed with all the parents.  That way everyone knows what to expect.  Don’t go through the kids on this.  It makes them feel like they are in the middle and stresses them out.  Make sure that all the parents know and agree to the plan.  This eliminates miscommunication and chaos for the kids.   

Were there times you felt isolated or alone during the holidays?

  As a stepmom, you can be surrounded by a lot of people and still feel alone.  I think this correlates with the quote at the beginning of this article.  Sometimes by trying to be everything to everyone, you put too much pressure on yourself and end up feeling alone.  Ways to remedy this situation include making sure your hubby knows that you want to be included in his things.  Or, if it’s just going to be you and your husband for the holiday, start new traditions for just the two of you.   

Some of the things that we learned from the holidays: 

*       Celebrate on a different day

*       Let go of expectations - be open to change. 

*       Set new traditions with your husband. 

*       Show respect and be cordial.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.   

*       Have a plan for the holidays and then stick with that plan. 

*       Be a good example and always be the bigger person.  Never talk bad about the other parent to        the kids.   

Roses are red, Violets are blue, let's improve a relationship for two.

Do you ever feel like you are a hamster running on a constant wheel of never ending duties? Sometimes being on that wheel doesn't leave us much time to dedicate to our significant other as we would like.  Well, here are some helpful hints to improve your relationship.

Re-charge Yourself: Make sure that you are recharged as a person by instituting some self-care.  What I mean by this is spending a few minutes each day doing something that you enjoy.  That could mean a hobby, spending times with friends, reading a good book or listening to a good talk.  I promise you that other things can wait!  By taking some time alone, you can regroup and bounce back with a fresh look on life.

Build Your Relationship: Something else that helps is to build your relationship with your spouse. Something simple is to have a conversation with your partner every night.  One of my stepmom friends does this with her husband nightly.  To help, she purchased the book,  "Our Q&A a Day: 3-year Journal for 2 people".  There is a simple question for each day that they both answer.  As they answer the questions over a three-year period they check to see how they have changed and improved.  Another helpful hint is at the end of the day is for each of you to have a personal journal that you write your struggles and accomplishments in and how you felt about the day.  At the end of the week, swap journals and read them and discuss with each other about your week.

Plan Date Nights:  Since we have a blended family we set aside one night every other week when we go on a date.   Take turns planning the date and be adventurous.  I have often heard the couple that plays together stays together.  Starting a fun hobby together can also help you to connect better as a couple.  We have decided that we enjoy hiking together.  By hiking we are getting exercise, talking and enjoying the beauty of nature.

Give Compliments: Look for things that are positive in your spouse and compliment them.  By trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative, you are able to see them in a different light.

Use Humor: We often find when things get really difficult, if we can also use a little humor it makes the situation more bearable.  By doing this, you may be setting a good example for your spouse to follow.

A relationship is always changing!  There are so many challenges, especially if you find yourself in a blended family.  Don't give up, keep working hard with this person that you once upon a time fell in love with.  Your relationship is worth it!

Holiday's in Our Blended Family podcast

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Dating and our first year of marriage podcast!

Our Blended Bunch

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE STEPMOM RETREAT!

I loved the Stepmom Retreat! It was so awesome to mingle with other stepmom's that know and understand how you feel. The ladies that organized the event were wonderful! I would highly recommend going to the Dallas retreat next year! Come and check it out at www.sisterhoodofstepmoms.com. Here are some things I learned from the stepmom retreat:

Being a Stepmom....

With first marriages, Mom and Dad are initially in the front seat the child/children are in the back seat. Then Divorce happens and child moves to the front seat and gets comfy. With Remarriage the kid resist the stepmom in the front seat. Dad needs to talk to the kid about moving to the back seat. Kid and stepmom can’t both sit in the front seat. Dad needs to reassure the kid about sitting in the back seat. Stepmom should never tell kids to sit in the backseat.

As a stepmom you were chosen by their father. You were not necessarily chosen by them. Initially you are “Guests in their life” It takes time and patience to build trust and a relationship with them. Be a positive female role model. You are making a difference in their lives, they are watching you. It takes 4-7 yrs for a stepfamily relationship to come together.

When you come into the relationship each kid has a backpack of emotions before you even come into the relationship.

They make assumptions before even getting to know you

Adult kids are emerging into adulthood and they are unsure of their place

You must set Healthy Boundaries - Boundaries give freedom to say yes and no.

When you come into the equation as a stepmom you must decide what portion belongs to who with stepkids. The stepkid has been used to a certain thing for so long. Realize what is their stuff and respect that.

“Emotional fences not walls” Don’t build walls just maintain fences. That way things are flexible and not too difficult.

Have limits set so you can love and work. Limits that wouldn’t cause resentment.

As a stepmom you come into the marriage with high hopes of an instant family. Stepkids in general do not usually have the same high hopes.

Don’t try to change them. Accept them for who they are and they will be more open to accept you.

You can’t control the other household!

How one of your stepkids behaves isn’t towards you necessarily or about you. “It’s how she or he feels at the time. Don’t react immediately to hurtful things that are said or done.

Continually loss can cause rage.

Avoid being defensive. Just listen to what your stepkid is saying.

Choose to love your stepkids

Emotional Issues

There is a lot of emotional issues with stepkids. They are used to b-days and holidays being a certain way. Honor what is important to them. You can start new traditions while keeping the old traditions that are important to them.

Try to have a good co-parenting relationship. This is best for the kids. Don’t talk to the kids about their parent. Talk to other stepmom’s.

Because of the history that they have already built with their Dad you may feel like an emotional outsider. Even though it is hard, it is ok to not be part of the story.

Have Listening Boundaries

Instead of saying anything, say “I’ll have to think about that”

“Bite your tongue”

Help them feel understood

Watch them and pray for your stepkids. By praying you are in the battleground with them.

Say things like “I’m sure you will figure it out” Reassure them of what they are doing.

Invitations not obligations. Invite them to come. “If you have time you are welcome to come. Don’t make them feel obligated.

If you want to suggest something always start it by saying “would you be open to a suggestion”

Avoid “You should” or “You need to”

Don’t should on yourself and should on other people.

Boundaries with their Father

Let them spend time alone together. Insist that they spend time with their Dad. The kids will appreciate that and over time they value you because you encouraged and allowed it.

Honor that relationship with their Dad. Encourage good communication.

Be cautious about being too critical to him about his kids. Instead of complaining when he complain. Ask him what you think they should do?

Being critical of hubby doesn’t make him stronger or improve your marriage. Before you speak, ask these questions: • Is it right? • Is it true? • Is it necessary?

Don’t unnecessarily insert yourself in to his stuff with his adult kids.

You can kindly ask him if he wants your perspective.

Do a date night often. It helps you to reconnect. On your date night don’t talk about kids or ex-spouses.

Don’t bury things. Talk through things. Communiciation is important. Maybe after a weekend of having kids talk about what was good and what didn’t work the weekend with kids.

Boundaries with their Mom

Never say anything if you can’t say anything positive about their mom

Boundaries with Siblings

Don’t take sides. Each kid is in a different place emotionally and spiritually.

Don’t make them feel obligated to be part of the family. Let them come on their terms. Sometimes it takes time.

Expectations

Behind every complaint is a desire and behind disappointment is an expectation.

Where do expectations come from?

As a stepmom your expectations may be based on *personal desires *to fix brokeness but you can’t fix brokeness.

Our role as a stepmom coming into the marriage with adult stepkids and all stepkids is to be a “cheerleader” Being a cheerleader by offering words of affirmation. By not being too overwhelming and offering words of affirmation they will come to you. As they got to know me and heard me encourage them, it has built a relationship of trust and mutual respect.

Instead of trying to be the mother. Be the older adult in their life. Reassure them that you are not trying to be their mom.

Try not to get involved in emotional up’s and downs.

Stepkids are very loyal to their biological parents. Pay attention to that and be respectful.

Any relationship you get with a stepkid is a gift.

Let go of expectations and put yourself in their shoes and try to see where they are coming from.

LOVE

Love is knowledge and it is huge. It is easy to love your biologicial kids but not the same grace and mercy with your stepkids. It takes time and time to build that relationship.

The child has basic needs-to be emotionally stable.

Find out which of the five languages of love fit your stepkids.

Find ways to connect with your stepkid. Find something that they enjoy doing and involve yourself it that.

People will forget what was said or done but they will not forget how you made them feel.

If it is difficult in the beginning, try to build a relationship with your stepkids for your hubby. It is important to him and he will see the effort on his behalf.

As stepmom’s we can be the repair legacy. We can build that legacy by making new traditions.

Introducing Patrick and Maryann's first podcast! :)

Come and listen by clicking here — Podbean Come listen to Patrick and Maryann, the voices behind the blended bunch. We will share the roller coaster ride of having a blended family.

The Angels Among Us

I believe that Heavenly Father sends people into our lives at specific times to be "angels" and help us.  Throughout my life I have seen this numerous times.  When I first moved to the town I live in, I remember being nervous about being in a new place.  The first Sunday I went to church, a sister said hello and smiled at me.  It was so simple but it made me feel so welcome.  When I went through my divorce years ago, I had many angels that buoyed me up and were just there to listen and care about me.  Several years ago my Dad was having open heart surgery.  I was not able to be there right when he went in for surgery but I arrived when he was in the recovery room.  I was very touched by this sweet lady that took my Mom under her wing.  She asked my Mom if she was there alone while my Dad was having surgery.  My Mom said yes, for then, until her daughter got there.  This sweet lady told my Mom she was not alone and that she would take care of her until I got there.  Tears still come to my eyes thinking of how kind she was to my Mom. What a sweet example of an angel!  My elderly parents just moved to my town recently, I have been touched at how kind and helpful all of the people have been when I can't always be there for my parents. 

 My journey as a stepmom and blending a family has not been an easy one, but I feel blessed to be a part of a stepmom group locally and to have been able to attend a stepmom retreat lately.  Before I attended the stepmom retreat I met a lady online and emailed back and forth.  She sent me a message the night before I was supposed to leave, saying "Just wanted to let you know I've been praying for you this week.  Safe travels and I'll see you tommorrow." What a beautiful example of kindness she was to me!  Those ladies have no idea how much their kind words of encouragement have helped and reassured me.   I feel like as women we have such a nuturing and kind gift instilled in us.  We can be there for so many people!  Sometimes we have no idea what a difference we can make in each others lives.   It really is the simple things that have made all the difference in my life.  Someone simply giving me a smile, someone being there to comfort the one's I love when I couldn't be there,  someone giving words of encouragement, someone praying for me, and someone just listening when I need to talk.  Remember to put on your "angel wings" by practicing simple acts of kindness.  Your simple acts of kindness can be so empowering and make such a difference in someone else's life.