I'M GOING TO GO AND GET A SHISH KABOB!

Our family goes to Disneyland about once a year.  It's fun but can be overwhelming, especially when my husband sends me and our six-year old daughter up Tarzan's tree house (and I'm scared of heights!)  I came down from the tree house and was so fed up, I said, "I'm going to go get a shish kabob!"

Let me rewind a bit.  I grew up an only child.  I was born when my parents were in their late thirties and I was the center of their universe.  As a girl, I envisioned growing up and having a large family.  my children would never fight and everyone would get along great.  I know that you feel like throwing up from all the sweetness, but I truly thought that this is how it would be.  When you don't have siblings and live the day-to-day realities of life in a big family, you fantasize how it would be.

Fast forward to today.  In our blended family we have so many different personalities it can get overwhelming at times.  However, I am navigating through them all and realizing that everyone in our family has something positive to contribute.  We don't all offer the same thing but we can benefit from each person.  Our different personalities help to make our family unique and very interesting.

Something else I have learned is to not have set expectations of how I think relationships should be.  By expecting them to be a certain way, I set myself up for failure.  Because of all the different personalities, and many of my family members have not been around me all of their life, our pattern of thinking is different from each other.  The experience of being in a blended family, especially after growing up as an only child has really opened my eyes and helped me to be more open minded to different perspectives.

One last thing I have realized in all of this is that I only have control of myself.  So all I really can do is be me and contribute what I have to offer.  And of course when things start to get a bit too much, I take a break and get a shish kabob!

What I learned from my Divorce

I will admit I remember thinking years ago when someone was divorced that there must be something wrong with them; or what did they do to get in that place? Then all of a sudden there I was - DIVORCED! When I got divorced I couldn't muster up the energy to even say the word - Divorced.  Now, here I was sitting alongside all of these perfect families and mine was broken.  What could have possibly gone so wrong?

Well, it has been twelve years since I went through that time in my life and this is what I have learned:

• I am only in control of my own actions.  I can't control how someone else acts and the choices they make.
• I have a kind and loving Heavenly Father who ALWAYS and FOREVER will love me!
• How could I have possibly grown if I hadn't gone through this trial? My life has been richly blessed with so many people.  I would have never known them if this had not happened to me.  
• I have learned to be more empathetic.  
• I have learned to be less judgemental of others, and to learn more about them and their story.  
• I have learned that it isn't always my plan or what I think, but that God has a better plan for me.
• Sometimes when you are married, you take it for granted.  Being married takes ALOT of hard work from both people.  There are some really high points and then some really low points, but by working through it with Gods help, it is possible.  
• Always work on keeping your marriage alive.  Go on dates, forgive each other and ALWAYS, ALWAYS communicate.  

Believe it or not, there is life after divorce!  I did get remarried, but I didn't walk off into the sunset because life still constantly deals me challenges, but I also experience great joy too.  My life is so richly blessed by the many people and experiences I have had since my divorce.  I have come to realize that I wouldn't be the person I am today if hadn't experienced this difficult time in my life.

Are we the Cookie Cutter Stepfamily?

Recently in our stepmom meeting we discussed the different stages of a stepfamily.  It was a very interesting topic to me and I have spent some time reflecting on how I view our blended family.

In Dr. Patricia Papernow's article, "Patterns of Development in Stepfamilies", she discusses different stages that the stepfamily may encounter.  The Stepfamily Life cycle is broken down into Early, Middle and Late cycles.

The Early stages (1-2 yrs)

 Fantasy-we live happily ever after as a nuclear family.
 Immersion-facing realities, feelings of jealousy and confusion.
Awareness- A better understanding of the different relationships.

The Middle Stages (2-3 yrs)

Mobilization-upheaval and complaints shared.
Action-Finding boundaries, laying groundwork.

The Late Stages (5 yr mark)

Contact - stepfamily gets into a groove; relationships build.
Resolution- Endured prior stages, different opinion-not as threatening.

In our blended family, I don't feel like it is so cut and dried as it states above.  I have viewed our family in all the different stages and still after ten years, we still continue to be circulating through those different stages.  Unfortunately just because you meet a five year mark, everything doesn't always run smoothly.  It does help that some of the different personalities have gotten used to each other.  Since I am somewhat of a romantic, I think I have viewed our blended family more in the fantasy stage.  But I have come to realize that we are not a nuclear family.

Being in a blended family has been such a learning process for me and has been very difficult for me at times.  We are a bunch of different personalities that come together to have fun.  We share common interests such as Disneyland, holidays traditions and Costco (but don't tell anyone that I really love Costco:) and believe it or not those interests are what unite us as a blended bunch.

Effective ways to have good relationships with your stepkids

In the beginning of a blended family, relationships are non-existent.  It's kind of like climbing a new mountain.  You really don't know anything about each other and then all of sudden you are living together in a family setting under the same roof!  As grownups, you have a chance to date each other, fall in love and you choose to be together as a couple.  In most cases, the children did not choose YOU to be in their lives.  Initially, you are a "guest".  In the beginning, each child has a backpack of emotions before you even come into the relationship.  They make assumptions about who you are based on the experience they have had with previous people in that role.  When you are starting out in the role of a stepparent it is very important to realize it's not about you.  There are several ways that can help you in the beginning so you don't feel so overwhelmed.

1. Educate yourself.  Read books and find educational resources about divorce and blended families. 

2. Volunteer for a group of kids close to your stepkid's age.  By doing this you can separate normal child behavior with the emotions that your stepkids may be dealing with. 

3.  FIND SUPPORT!!!!  Find a stepfamily group or stepparent group.  There is nothing like contact with others who are in your same situation.  You are able to find solutions and feel like you are not alone. 

After time, relationships can begin to develop with your stepkids.  It takes being consistent and for them to build trust with you. I recently heard this wonderful story between a stepdad and stepdaughter.  The stepdaughter had lost her natural father so every day for a year and a half her stepdad bought her flowers or ice cream.  He would come home and just put it on the table and say this is for you.  Many days those items were thrown in the garbage.  He kept doing it and never gave up! He knew that she was hurting because of her recent loss.  One day after a year and a half, she took him up on his offer and went and got ice cream with him.   I admire his great unconditional love.  This is a great example of being consistent and persevering through a very difficult time in their relationship.

If you have several stepkids, you will have a different relationship with each one of them.  They have built history with their dad and sometimes even though it is hard for  you, you need to step back and support him in the relationship with his children.  Encourage them to have one on one time together.  Don't try to change them.  Accept them for who they are and they will be more open to accept you.  As much as you may want a relationship with them, don't force a relationship until they are ready to have one with you.  Most importantly, be a good role model and be a cheerleader to them by offering words of encouragement and support.

My relationship with my stepkids have ebbed and flowed through the years.  There are times I feel close to them and then not so close.  Once you have established a relationship with your stepkids, you can find ways to connect with them by supporting them in things they enjoy doing.  Also, it may be helpful to find out which languages of love (The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman) your stepkids speak.

There may be some very difficult times but be patient and persevere.  In the end, they may forget what was said or done but they will not forget how you made them feel.  After all, you're not in this just to hang on, but to have good and lasting relationships with them.

OH WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE SUMMERTIME?

I have to admit that the summertime is not easy going and relaxing for me.  In past years, being in a blended family has required a lot of strategic planning and coordinating and to be honest I dread it.    

This year two of my kids went to Maine to spend a period of time with their dad, stepmom and family.  At first I was sad and knew that I would miss them.  But after thinking about it for a while, I changed my perspective.  They have many people in their lives that help them to become better people.  We all have roles in their lives and the more experiences they have, the better people they will become.  Of course I have missed them while they were gone but I know that they love me and I have a place in their lives. They are growing up and soon enough will be leading their own lives.  So I am cherishing the time that I have with them and I know that God has a bigger plan for all of us, so I know I need to trust him.  

Likewise, being in a blended family I have many people who enrich my life.  This summer I had the opportunity to be there when my stepson proposed to his girlfriend.   I also have built stronger relationships with my stepkids and my daughter-in-law.  

Since teenagers don’t like a strategic planned schedule of swimming, going to the library, and crafting activities, my six year old still does.  So I have definitely taken advantage of every opportunity to enjoy her before she gets too old for stuff like that.  

This summer has been a growing experience for me and has taught me a lot about changing my perspective and trying to be more positive on how I view my situation.  I really don’t have control of many things, but I do have control of how I handle things and my attitude.  What I have learned is to just enjoy the moments I have with everyone.  

What I learned this Mother's Day

Every year when May rolls around and I see Mother's Day on the calendar, I dread it.  The reason is because I am not sure what I should expect from my kids and my stepkids.  I know Mother's Day can be hard for many people.   I don't want to build myself up to be disappointed but sometimes I just am.

I sent messages to all my stepmom friends to get their take on it and their support.  After reflecting about it for a week before Mother's Day, I decided it was best to just be open-minded and not to have a lot of expectations.  I was pleasantly surprised on Mother's Day by the people that remembered me.  For example, my older stepkids remembered me by giving me a nice card and flowers.   The relationship I have established over the years with them is priceless to me.  I was remembered by several others who I wasn't actually their mother, but in some ways in their life, I was a mother figure to them.   I also got simple, nice notes from the kids in our home and the words that were said meant millions to me.  My husband remembered me and made me feel appreciated too.

I also feel like Mother's Day is a day to look outside myself and honor those ladies that have played a role of mother in my life.  I was able to honor my mom.  With age, I have come to appreciate my mom more and more.  When I was younger, I knew that she loved me.  She was involved in all of my activities and she took good care of me.  But just lately I have had some ah ha moments.  The moments when you reflect on your life and remember your mom saying, "you will understand when you get older".  Well, those times have come!  I see now the things from my childhood that she did with me are thread throughout my adult life.  I also see where I may have hurt her too.  It is interesting how age and trials do that to a person.  How you are finally able to relate and understand what your mom was saying all along.  I have learned from my mom to try to always be positive and grateful. My mom has not had the easiest life, but she puts a smile on her face and makes the best of it.  I hope to be that type of lady someday.

Then I have my mother-in law who has raised a man who is a kind, hardworking and a compassionate husband.  She is fun and very generous.  From the first time I meet her, she welcomed me and my children into her life. She is an awesome grandma to all of our children. I admire how she takes time to spend one on one time with each of her grandchildren. I have enjoyed developing a good relationship with her and I have learned so many valuable lessons from her.

My sweet daughter-in-law is a wonderful mom to our grandkids.  She is very involved in their lives. I love how she focuses on each of her children and what their interests are. She does the mothering thing 110% and it shows! She is teaching her boys to be honorable and respectable young men.

My kid's stepmom has taught them good things that I may not have thought about.  Because of the many influences in their lives, it has helped them to become well-rounded individuals.

Just as my life has been touched by many mother figures, our kids can also be mothered and learn wonderful things. There really is so much more to Mother's Day then just me.  There are all the people that impact our lives and our children's lives as well.

What divorced Mom's should know about Stepmom's

In the our stepmom group for this month we reviewed this fabulous article written in the Stepparent magazine by Jenna Korf.  Our thoughts are written in bold.




1.She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.
Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.
They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.
It's important to try not to judge.  Have a open mind about what is happening.

2.It’s not about YOU, (meaning the Bio-mom).
A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”

The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.

 She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.

Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.
The Stepmom is just thinking about her own family.  Do your best to show a good example to the kids.

3.Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.
Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.
It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.
In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.
This was a big topic in our meeting.  We as stepmom's feel very helpless and alone.  Several of us have been to Disneyland with our blended families, the happiest place on earth, and have felt very alone there.  We feel as stepmom's we have the maternal role at our house with no right's to back the decisions we make.  Our solution was to go to counseling and find support groups.  Sometimes stepping away from the situation for a bit can help.

4.When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive.
Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.
Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren, and when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.
Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.
YES, YES!  We couldn't agree more.  It definitely changes the tone and the kids tend to miss their mom more.  If the kids are gone for a longer period of time, have a specific time of day that they can talk with their bio-mom.  As a bio-mom you do miss your kids, but they need the opportunity to have an uninterrupted time at their Dad's house. 

5.Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.
They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary.  It’s not intentional.
Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.
But they don’t.
This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.
Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.
As the Bio-mom you just need to keep in mind that the stepmom is in most cases well intended. Use a lot of positive self talk to convince yourself.  If it is difficult find a trusted friend to talk to about it.  Whatever you do, don't make it hard on the kids.  In divorce everyone in the equation is paying a price from the decision. 

 6.A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing.
And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over; they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.
This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.
We really didn't dwell on this subject.

7.Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren.
There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human.
Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.
And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.
Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.
But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.
Stepmom's find that they are constantly in the middle making everyone happy.  That can be very exhausting.  Take some time for yourself and step away. 

8.A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.
Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward.  They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.
They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love.  So, to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.
I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.
Two simple words can be so valuable.  I know from personal experience that I cherish those times that I have been thanked. 

How to Help Kids in Blended Families Transition Between Homes

It can be difficult for the kids to go between two houses.   There are several things that can be done to help make the transition easier.  

*   It is important that they each have their own rooms.  That way they have their own space to retreat to so they can adjust back to the different family environment.  

*  Have pictures of everyone in the family hanging around the house.  

*  Have a family meeting once a week where expectations and responsibilities are set.

 *  Set up individual dates with each of the kids so they understand how important they are to the family.  That way they are able to maintain a relationship with their biological parent and establish one with their stepparent.  

*  Always keep the lines of communication open with all of the kids so they get use to talking about things that concern them.

*  Always be consistent in the family routine so they know what to expect.  

How do you help the kids that permanently live in the home adapt to their other siblings coming and going?

It can be hard for these children because they may be close to their siblings.  Younger children may not understand why they are leaving and older children may be sad to see them go.  Here are several things you can do to help them.

*   Set up a calendar and highlight the times their siblings will be there.  That way they are able to mark off the days until they get back to their house.  

*   If you own an ipod have them text their siblings when they are not at the house to keep in contact.  

*  Since it can be difficult for them, have a certain special activity that they do during those times.  That way they are doing something they enjoy and are distracted.  

Transitioning from home to home takes time.  Try to be patient and flexible.  By giving them their space it helps them to transition easier.  

Do You Have Courage?

The other day I was reading a touching post on facebook from a friend of mine.  She is also in a blended family.  Her stepson had entered the hospital and she had gone along with her husband to support him.  In the sweet picture she posted of her stepson she stated that he has his mother's love and his father's support.  Not once did she mention anything about herself.  What a great example of unconditional love she displayed.  She merely had the courage to support.  Sometimes as a stepparent you feel like a third wheel.  You are not sure where you belong and you definitely don't want to step on toes.  Being in a blended family is about providing each child with a healthy environment despite the dynamics that may be involved.  Even though you may feel like a third wheel, you must have the courage to take the higher road, not saying everything that you would want to say, and just try to find peace amongst the turmoil that surrounds you.  I believe that this sweet lady may have had all kinds of emotions and realized that she couldn't control the situation so she just needed to find peace with what she was dealt.   Since that post I have reflected on how I might be able to be courageous amongst the turmoil that surrounds me.  Several things have stood out to me:

1.  You may not have control of much, but you have control of you.  For example, you can control how you perceive things.  Some ways of doing this may be to use positive self talk and to understand God knows all things, and leave it in his hands. 

2.  Don't set yourself up for failure by having certain expectations.  Just try to be happy with the times spent together and the memories that have been created. 

3.  Be gentle on yourself and others.  We all have our story full of some easy and difficult things.  Just believe in who you are.  A quote from Jeffry H. Larson sums it up, " God loves because of who you are, not because of what you did or didn't do.

In conclusion, there are those who show courage through leading the battle from the front and there are those who show silent courage by supporting from the back.  My friend showed me the example of silent courage.

DID YOU SURVIVE THE HOLIDAY'S?

Just recently I read this article in a stepmom magazine that asked, “Do we lose ourselves if we aren’t mindful?”  It described how trying to be everything to everyone, while living under the microscope of scrutiny by another home or by kids in our own home, can lead to erosion of the body, mind and spirit.  This can happen during times of family celebration.  For example, during holidays, are you stressed and tense expecting the worst or not really knowing what to expect?  At our last stepmom meeting we addressed several related questions: 

Were you able to start new traditions or continue your traditions from previous years?  

Many of the women in the group started new traditions with their families.  Traditions make you feel less isolated.  Those traditions, along with the ones that were already established, were successful.  Even though it may be hard, we all agreed that sometimes it is easier to celebrate the holiday on a different day.  By celebrating the holiday on a different day the family is able to have all the kids together without any interruption and it is less stressful for the kids and the parents.   

Did you feel like you were able to see the kids a sufficient amount of time?  

We felt that the plan for the amount of time the kids would spend should be written out and addressed with all the parents.  That way everyone knows what to expect.  Don’t go through the kids on this.  It makes them feel like they are in the middle and stresses them out.  Make sure that all the parents know and agree to the plan.  This eliminates miscommunication and chaos for the kids.   

Were there times you felt isolated or alone during the holidays?

  As a stepmom, you can be surrounded by a lot of people and still feel alone.  I think this correlates with the quote at the beginning of this article.  Sometimes by trying to be everything to everyone, you put too much pressure on yourself and end up feeling alone.  Ways to remedy this situation include making sure your hubby knows that you want to be included in his things.  Or, if it’s just going to be you and your husband for the holiday, start new traditions for just the two of you.   

Some of the things that we learned from the holidays: 

*       Celebrate on a different day

*       Let go of expectations - be open to change. 

*       Set new traditions with your husband. 

*       Show respect and be cordial.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.   

*       Have a plan for the holidays and then stick with that plan. 

*       Be a good example and always be the bigger person.  Never talk bad about the other parent to        the kids.