With football season upon us, I felt it would be appropriate to talk about boundaries. In football, there are lines on the outside of the field that designate the field of play. Anything outside the field is considered out of bounds. What exactly is the definition of boundaries in a blended family? Boundaries are guidelines and rules that you set to protect yourself and earn respect. They are limits that define acceptable behavior. I am guilty of not being very good at setting appropriate boundaries, so when one of my stepmom friends suggested it be a topic for our next meeting, I jumped on it! I feel like it is especially necessary to set boundaries in a blended family because it is a new dynamic for everyone involved and it helps everyone transition easier by setting ground rules. There are so many things that can be talked about when setting boundaries. So I decided to zone in on several specific things.
First, set boundaries with your biological children. When you experience divorce you automatically wear the guilty hat. With my biological children I feel like if I am too strict or don't give in that they may not like me as much. My kids are not at my house all the time so I don't want our time together to be about punishing them. With boundaries comes being consistent and following through on the punishment. I had an experience recently where I was tested on this subject. One of my kids wanted to go and hang out with their friends after school one day. He asked me at the beginning of the week and I told him it was fine. The evening before he was suppose to hang out with his friend, he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do. The evening was coming to a close and I simply told him that he wasn't going to be able to hang out tomorrow with his friends. He was furious with my decision! Of course I immediately felt guilty and bad and thought that maybe my punishment was too severe. I stuck to my guns and guess what - he still likes me and even loves me! Pretty amazing! I feel like at that point he gained more respect for me because I didn't back down.
Second, set boundaries with your stepkids. In the early years of a blended family, it is best for the biological parent to do the major disciplining. That doesn't mean that if your stepchild is disrespectful you should stand back. Absolutely not! Remind your stepchild in a non-threatening way that you didn't appreciate the way they treated you. With time, building trust and respect, you can step in and discipline your stepkids. However, it is always best to talk with the biological parent first and discuss the specifics of how you want to handle the discipline of the children in your household. Also try to understand the background and parenting style of your partner. In essence, put yourself in their shoes.
Third, set boundaries with your ex-spouse and their spouse or significant other. Remove the ex dynamics from your life as much as possible. When communicating it is best to do it through text messages or emails. Because of the time that you spent with your ex-spouse, there can be a lot of left over emotions. Instead of sending a mean message to your ex, write all your feelings down in letter and don't send it. This is a way to relieve some of the emotions that you may be having. When sending a text message or email ALWAYS re-read the message before sending it. Even though there are hurt feelings and lots of emotions, treat them like you would like to be treated. When co-parenting, use a business-like relationship and be diplomatic. Communicate that you understand that there are different rules at each of the houses and you both want to do what is best for the kids. If your partner has a difficult ex-spouse, just be there to support and listen to your spouse. If you are unable to communicate with your ex, you can communicate through a parenting coordinator. A parenting coordinator is a middle man that sends messages back and forth between both parties. This can get expensive because parenting coordinators average $150 per hour.
Third, be patient and communicate. In a blended family the kids are going back and forth between two different households. There are bound to be different rules at each household. In the beginning of the blended marriage, the children are just trying to get used to all the dynamics of a new type of family. With time they get used to the boundaries at each household. It still takes some time to transition from the different houses, so be patient. That doesn't mean you don't have boundaries and rules at your house, but let them get used to the house again. When you first start a blended family, it is a good idea to sit down with all the members of the family and have a family meeting. At the family meeting you can set rules and consequences that everyone decides on and are fair. By doing this it helps them to feel a part of the family.
Fourth, build camaraderie within the family. A fun thing to do is decide on a family motto. A family motto helps to unify and help everyone to feel included in the family. The more unity you build among the family, the more the kids will want to obey the rules and it will be easier as parents to enforce those rules.
Fifth, Remember to always to communicate with your spouse! Always take care of yourself. Make sure you do things that recharge you so you can handle all of life's stresses.
In conclusion, when the ball goes out of bounds, the game stops. But if the ball stays in bounds then the game continues on and everyone continues to play their part, plays as a team and keeps pushing towards the goal line.
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