Roses are red, Violets are blue, let's improve a relationship for two.

Do you ever feel like you are a hamster running on a constant wheel of never ending duties? Sometimes being on that wheel doesn't leave us much time to dedicate to our significant other as we would like.  Well, here are some helpful hints to improve your relationship.

Re-charge Yourself: Make sure that you are recharged as a person by instituting some self-care.  What I mean by this is spending a few minutes each day doing something that you enjoy.  That could mean a hobby, spending times with friends, reading a good book or listening to a good talk.  I promise you that other things can wait!  By taking some time alone, you can regroup and bounce back with a fresh look on life.

Build Your Relationship: Something else that helps is to build your relationship with your spouse. Something simple is to have a conversation with your partner every night.  One of my stepmom friends does this with her husband nightly.  To help, she purchased the book,  "Our Q&A a Day: 3-year Journal for 2 people".  There is a simple question for each day that they both answer.  As they answer the questions over a three-year period they check to see how they have changed and improved.  Another helpful hint is at the end of the day is for each of you to have a personal journal that you write your struggles and accomplishments in and how you felt about the day.  At the end of the week, swap journals and read them and discuss with each other about your week.

Plan Date Nights:  Since we have a blended family we set aside one night every other week when we go on a date.   Take turns planning the date and be adventurous.  I have often heard the couple that plays together stays together.  Starting a fun hobby together can also help you to connect better as a couple.  We have decided that we enjoy hiking together.  By hiking we are getting exercise, talking and enjoying the beauty of nature.

Give Compliments: Look for things that are positive in your spouse and compliment them.  By trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative, you are able to see them in a different light.

Use Humor: We often find when things get really difficult, if we can also use a little humor it makes the situation more bearable.  By doing this, you may be setting a good example for your spouse to follow.

A relationship is always changing!  There are so many challenges, especially if you find yourself in a blended family.  Don't give up, keep working hard with this person that you once upon a time fell in love with.  Your relationship is worth it!

Holiday's in Our Blended Family podcast

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Dating and our first year of marriage podcast!

Our Blended Bunch

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE STEPMOM RETREAT!

I loved the Stepmom Retreat! It was so awesome to mingle with other stepmom's that know and understand how you feel. The ladies that organized the event were wonderful! I would highly recommend going to the Dallas retreat next year! Come and check it out at www.sisterhoodofstepmoms.com. Here are some things I learned from the stepmom retreat:

Being a Stepmom....

With first marriages, Mom and Dad are initially in the front seat the child/children are in the back seat. Then Divorce happens and child moves to the front seat and gets comfy. With Remarriage the kid resist the stepmom in the front seat. Dad needs to talk to the kid about moving to the back seat. Kid and stepmom can’t both sit in the front seat. Dad needs to reassure the kid about sitting in the back seat. Stepmom should never tell kids to sit in the backseat.

As a stepmom you were chosen by their father. You were not necessarily chosen by them. Initially you are “Guests in their life” It takes time and patience to build trust and a relationship with them. Be a positive female role model. You are making a difference in their lives, they are watching you. It takes 4-7 yrs for a stepfamily relationship to come together.

When you come into the relationship each kid has a backpack of emotions before you even come into the relationship.

They make assumptions before even getting to know you

Adult kids are emerging into adulthood and they are unsure of their place

You must set Healthy Boundaries - Boundaries give freedom to say yes and no.

When you come into the equation as a stepmom you must decide what portion belongs to who with stepkids. The stepkid has been used to a certain thing for so long. Realize what is their stuff and respect that.

“Emotional fences not walls” Don’t build walls just maintain fences. That way things are flexible and not too difficult.

Have limits set so you can love and work. Limits that wouldn’t cause resentment.

As a stepmom you come into the marriage with high hopes of an instant family. Stepkids in general do not usually have the same high hopes.

Don’t try to change them. Accept them for who they are and they will be more open to accept you.

You can’t control the other household!

How one of your stepkids behaves isn’t towards you necessarily or about you. “It’s how she or he feels at the time. Don’t react immediately to hurtful things that are said or done.

Continually loss can cause rage.

Avoid being defensive. Just listen to what your stepkid is saying.

Choose to love your stepkids

Emotional Issues

There is a lot of emotional issues with stepkids. They are used to b-days and holidays being a certain way. Honor what is important to them. You can start new traditions while keeping the old traditions that are important to them.

Try to have a good co-parenting relationship. This is best for the kids. Don’t talk to the kids about their parent. Talk to other stepmom’s.

Because of the history that they have already built with their Dad you may feel like an emotional outsider. Even though it is hard, it is ok to not be part of the story.

Have Listening Boundaries

Instead of saying anything, say “I’ll have to think about that”

“Bite your tongue”

Help them feel understood

Watch them and pray for your stepkids. By praying you are in the battleground with them.

Say things like “I’m sure you will figure it out” Reassure them of what they are doing.

Invitations not obligations. Invite them to come. “If you have time you are welcome to come. Don’t make them feel obligated.

If you want to suggest something always start it by saying “would you be open to a suggestion”

Avoid “You should” or “You need to”

Don’t should on yourself and should on other people.

Boundaries with their Father

Let them spend time alone together. Insist that they spend time with their Dad. The kids will appreciate that and over time they value you because you encouraged and allowed it.

Honor that relationship with their Dad. Encourage good communication.

Be cautious about being too critical to him about his kids. Instead of complaining when he complain. Ask him what you think they should do?

Being critical of hubby doesn’t make him stronger or improve your marriage. Before you speak, ask these questions: • Is it right? • Is it true? • Is it necessary?

Don’t unnecessarily insert yourself in to his stuff with his adult kids.

You can kindly ask him if he wants your perspective.

Do a date night often. It helps you to reconnect. On your date night don’t talk about kids or ex-spouses.

Don’t bury things. Talk through things. Communiciation is important. Maybe after a weekend of having kids talk about what was good and what didn’t work the weekend with kids.

Boundaries with their Mom

Never say anything if you can’t say anything positive about their mom

Boundaries with Siblings

Don’t take sides. Each kid is in a different place emotionally and spiritually.

Don’t make them feel obligated to be part of the family. Let them come on their terms. Sometimes it takes time.

Expectations

Behind every complaint is a desire and behind disappointment is an expectation.

Where do expectations come from?

As a stepmom your expectations may be based on *personal desires *to fix brokeness but you can’t fix brokeness.

Our role as a stepmom coming into the marriage with adult stepkids and all stepkids is to be a “cheerleader” Being a cheerleader by offering words of affirmation. By not being too overwhelming and offering words of affirmation they will come to you. As they got to know me and heard me encourage them, it has built a relationship of trust and mutual respect.

Instead of trying to be the mother. Be the older adult in their life. Reassure them that you are not trying to be their mom.

Try not to get involved in emotional up’s and downs.

Stepkids are very loyal to their biological parents. Pay attention to that and be respectful.

Any relationship you get with a stepkid is a gift.

Let go of expectations and put yourself in their shoes and try to see where they are coming from.

LOVE

Love is knowledge and it is huge. It is easy to love your biologicial kids but not the same grace and mercy with your stepkids. It takes time and time to build that relationship.

The child has basic needs-to be emotionally stable.

Find out which of the five languages of love fit your stepkids.

Find ways to connect with your stepkid. Find something that they enjoy doing and involve yourself it that.

People will forget what was said or done but they will not forget how you made them feel.

If it is difficult in the beginning, try to build a relationship with your stepkids for your hubby. It is important to him and he will see the effort on his behalf.

As stepmom’s we can be the repair legacy. We can build that legacy by making new traditions.

Introducing Patrick and Maryann's first podcast! :)

Come and listen by clicking here — Podbean Come listen to Patrick and Maryann, the voices behind the blended bunch. We will share the roller coaster ride of having a blended family.

The Angels Among Us

I believe that Heavenly Father sends people into our lives at specific times to be "angels" and help us.  Throughout my life I have seen this numerous times.  When I first moved to the town I live in, I remember being nervous about being in a new place.  The first Sunday I went to church, a sister said hello and smiled at me.  It was so simple but it made me feel so welcome.  When I went through my divorce years ago, I had many angels that buoyed me up and were just there to listen and care about me.  Several years ago my Dad was having open heart surgery.  I was not able to be there right when he went in for surgery but I arrived when he was in the recovery room.  I was very touched by this sweet lady that took my Mom under her wing.  She asked my Mom if she was there alone while my Dad was having surgery.  My Mom said yes, for then, until her daughter got there.  This sweet lady told my Mom she was not alone and that she would take care of her until I got there.  Tears still come to my eyes thinking of how kind she was to my Mom. What a sweet example of an angel!  My elderly parents just moved to my town recently, I have been touched at how kind and helpful all of the people have been when I can't always be there for my parents. 

 My journey as a stepmom and blending a family has not been an easy one, but I feel blessed to be a part of a stepmom group locally and to have been able to attend a stepmom retreat lately.  Before I attended the stepmom retreat I met a lady online and emailed back and forth.  She sent me a message the night before I was supposed to leave, saying "Just wanted to let you know I've been praying for you this week.  Safe travels and I'll see you tommorrow." What a beautiful example of kindness she was to me!  Those ladies have no idea how much their kind words of encouragement have helped and reassured me.   I feel like as women we have such a nuturing and kind gift instilled in us.  We can be there for so many people!  Sometimes we have no idea what a difference we can make in each others lives.   It really is the simple things that have made all the difference in my life.  Someone simply giving me a smile, someone being there to comfort the one's I love when I couldn't be there,  someone giving words of encouragement, someone praying for me, and someone just listening when I need to talk.  Remember to put on your "angel wings" by practicing simple acts of kindness.  Your simple acts of kindness can be so empowering and make such a difference in someone else's life.  

It's Out of Bounds!!

With football season upon us,  I felt it would be appropriate to talk about boundaries.  In football, there are lines on the outside of the field that designate the field of play.  Anything outside the field is considered out of bounds.  What exactly is the definition of boundaries in a blended family?  Boundaries are guidelines and rules that you set to protect yourself and earn respect.  They are limits that define acceptable behavior.  I am guilty of not being very good at setting appropriate boundaries, so when one of my stepmom friends suggested it be a topic for our next meeting, I jumped on it!  I feel like it is especially necessary to set boundaries in a blended family because it is a new dynamic for everyone involved and it helps everyone transition easier by setting ground rules.  There are so many things that can be talked about when setting boundaries.  So I decided to zone in on several specific things.

First, set boundaries with your biological children. When you experience divorce you automatically wear the guilty hat.  With my biological children I feel like if I am too strict or don't give in that they may not like me as much.  My kids are not at my house all the time so I don't want our time together to be about punishing them.  With boundaries comes being consistent and following through on the punishment.  I had an experience recently where I was tested on this subject.  One of my kids wanted to go and hang out with their friends after school one day.  He asked me at the beginning of the week and I told him it was fine.  The evening before he was suppose to hang out with his friend, he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do.  The evening was coming to a close and I simply told him that he wasn't going to be able to hang out tomorrow with his friends.  He was furious with my decision! Of course I immediately felt guilty and bad and thought that maybe my punishment was too severe.  I stuck to my guns and guess what - he still likes me and even loves me!  Pretty amazing!  I feel like at that point he gained more respect for me because I didn't back down.

Second, set boundaries with your stepkids.   In the early years of a blended family, it is best for the biological parent to do the major disciplining.  That doesn't mean that if your stepchild is disrespectful you should stand back.  Absolutely not!  Remind your stepchild in a non-threatening way that you didn't appreciate the way they treated you.  With time, building trust and respect, you can step in and discipline your stepkids.  However, it is always best to talk with the biological parent first and discuss the specifics of how you want to handle the discipline of the children in your household.  Also try to understand the background and parenting style of your partner.  In essence, put yourself in their shoes.

Third, set boundaries with your ex-spouse and their spouse or significant other.  Remove the ex dynamics from your life as much as possible.  When communicating it is best to do it through text messages or emails.  Because of the time that you spent with your ex-spouse, there can be a lot of left over emotions.  Instead of sending a mean message to your ex, write all your feelings down in letter and don't send it.  This is a way to relieve some of the emotions that you may be having.  When sending a text message or email ALWAYS re-read the message before sending it.  Even though there are hurt feelings and lots of emotions, treat them like you would like to be treated. When co-parenting, use a business-like relationship and be diplomatic.  Communicate that you understand that there are different rules at each of the houses and you both want to do what is best for the kids.  If your partner has a difficult ex-spouse, just be there to support and listen to your spouse.  If you are unable to communicate with your ex, you can communicate through a parenting coordinator.  A parenting coordinator is a middle man that sends messages back and forth between both parties.  This can get expensive because parenting coordinators average $150 per hour.

Third, be patient and communicate.  In a blended family the kids are going back and forth between two different households.  There are bound to be different rules at each household.  In the beginning of the blended marriage, the children are just trying to get used to all the dynamics of a new type of family.  With time they get used to the boundaries at each household.  It still takes some time to transition from the different houses, so be patient.  That doesn't mean you don't have boundaries and rules at your house, but let them get used to the house again.  When you first start a blended family, it is a good idea to sit down with all the members of the family and have a family meeting.  At the family meeting you can set rules and consequences that everyone decides on and are fair.  By doing this it helps them to feel a part of the family.

Fourth, build camaraderie within the family.  A  fun thing to do is decide on a family motto.  A family motto helps to unify and help everyone to feel included in the family.  The more unity you build among the family, the more the kids will want to obey the rules and it will be easier as parents to enforce those rules.

Fifth, Remember to always to communicate with your spouse! Always take care of yourself.  Make sure you do things that recharge you so you can handle all of life's stresses.

In conclusion, when the ball goes out of bounds, the game stops.  But if the ball stays in bounds then the game continues on and everyone continues to play their part, plays as a team and keeps pushing towards the goal line.

Am I a Cookie Cutter Mormon?

 

 When I was younger, I felt that if I did everything right I would fit the mold of being a cookie cutter Mormon.  I'm not really sure what that entailed, but in my young mind it was to have everything perfect and to look perfect to others.  Through trials and hardships in my life I know that I don't fit the mold and I never will.  For a while, I mourned that and felt very secluded and not part of the norm.  I felt as though I was a misfit and really not sure where I belonged.  However, I have come to realize that being a cookie cutter Mormon is a façade. 

God didn't send us down to earth to look perfect.  He sent us here to experience things and to gain a greater understanding of the love that He has for all of his children.  When Christ came to this earth, He didn't associate with those that were rich, educated or strong, but He spent time with those that were struggling. 

We all have very difficult things that we face everyday.  We are unique beings and we don't all fit into just one mold.  None of us are perfect, but that's ok!  As Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Our challenges are growth experiences."  I totally believe that is true!  The challenges and things I have struggled with have defined me.  I am a much different person than I was twenty years ago.  I have developed tolerance, empathy, some patience (though that still needs a lot of work), and a stronger belief that God is there for me.  But we all have one unique thing in common and that is we all have a loving Heavenly Father. God is there for all of us no matter what! 

A Mother's Love

I remember the first time I held my babies in my arms, I was amazed that God would entrust me with such sweet little spirits.  There has been nothing that I wanted more in life than to be a mother.  Being a mother is the hardest job, but is the noblest of them all.  As a mom you shape generations to come.

I remember writing in their baby book: "Dear precious child;  I am so fortunate to have you as my child.  I have waited for a long time.  I love you so much.  It was the neatest feeling to hear your first cry.  I never thought I could love someone so much, but I love you more than words can tell.  I am excited to share my life with you and to be your friend.  I am always there for you no matter what and I love you very much.  Love your Mom"

Fast forward many years and I have watched my oldest two children grow up.  Life has dealt me a different hand.  I have been through a divorce.  A divorce is a very difficult thing to go through for the kids though their dad and I have tried to make it as smooth as possible for them.  Doing that, I have walked in silence feeling as though there is a huge hole in my heart.  What comes with divorce is sharing your kids and not having them around all the time.  I'm sure alot of people would say that would be awesome to have a break from their kids.  Well for me it is not.  When I drop them off I have constant anxiety and I miss them.  I miss talking to them about how their day went, I miss their smiles and their hugs.  I know that seems silly and it's only for a short time, but my love for them is so deep and my tie is so strong that sometimes it is unbearable.  It has been ten years since their father and I got divorced.  The pain has not lessened over the years.

You may ask what have I learned from this?  I have learned to savor every moment with your children.  Watch that movie that they want to watch, cook with them, talk to them about things that concern them and just spend time with them.  Before I know it they will be all grown up and leading their own lives.

Am I the Wicked Stepmom?

Many fairy tales depict stepmoms as wicked.  However, the fairy tale world has been misinformed.  As a stepmom, I really do have my stepkids best interest at heart.  I am not here to entice them with tasty treats laced with poison.  I feel like I am part of their lives to help them in ways others may not.  My goal is for them to end up finding their own set of ruby slippers.  Things have not always easy.  Sometimes being a stepmom involves not really being a full participant.  It seems like sometimes I am watching from the sidelines, helpless and wondering about the influence I may have in their lives.  But I must not give up hope!  I am in their life for a reason, whether it be big or small.  My marriage to their dad is not by chance.  I must always keep the big picture in mind.  I have realized that it is the little things from my stepkids that count.  When times are very difficult, it is the kind note or a simple hug from them that keeps me going.  I will always cherish those moments and it reminds me to just keep flying!

What Makes a House a Home?

Recently I went to pack up all my parent's belongings out of my childhood home so they could sell their house.  For weeks before the actual event the thought of doing this would bring me to tears in seconds.  I was sad to realize that I would have to say a final goodbye to the home I grew up in, and leave it empty and desolate of our personal belongings.  I was delighted however to realize that I would be able to take everything attached to so many memories with me and especially to now have my parent's living close by permanently.  It was at that point that I realized that a house is only a place with four walls and a roof.  What makes it a home is the family and the wonderful memories that are created there.

This same principle applies to the home that I live in now.  My husband and I have blended two families together into one house.  When we got married my husband had five children.  His oldest son (19), His second oldest son (17), His daughter (15), another daughter (12), and his youngest daughter (7).  I had two children - my daughter (7) and my son (4).  In the beginning of our marriage it was difficult for the older children to get use to this newly formed home.  But then we started making the memories.  For example, every Sunday we started making chocolate chip cookies and on holidays we did special little traditions.  This created good memories and brought us together as a family and formed a home.  With time and patience we have developed relationships between all of us.  Then came our newest addition five years ago - a daughter that is related to everyone.  She has become the "glue" that binds us all together. Our daughter-in-law, our grandchildren, both sets of parents, a sister, nephew and special friends have added to our family.

Throughout the years, we have continued with our valentine's candlelight dinner, our gingerbread house competition, funny memories of the birthday person, killer spoons, disneyland trips and our  beach trips.  Just like the furnishings in our house come to together to make it all work, so do the personalities and contributions of each family member unite to make it a home.

Love Potion, Blended Style

 What is this crazy talk of love potion-blended style!  Well, I'll tell you if you promise to keep it a secret.  Love potion-blended style is a little bit of magic here, some pixie dust there, falling in love with someone who has kids, and you yourself having kids, and voila! There you have it - love potion-blended style.  You must first start the potion by falling in love.  A love that is so magical that your heart skips a beat every time he enters the room.  But how do you keep the magic alive especially in a blended family? Believe me, I don't have all the answers but I do know what seems to work for me.  

First of all, it's communication, communication, communication! When you are running a small village of people with different upbringings and backgrounds, it is so important that you and your spouse are on the same page and are building a strong foundation.  My husband and I don't agree on everything, but talking about it, listening to the other's perspective and putting yourself in their shoes helps so much!  

Second, it's playing on the same team.  When blending a family, the first couple years are definitely difficult.  You are trying to adjust to a new marriage, kids of different ages, the dynamic of a previous marriage and new in-laws.  What helps unify the foundation in our home is all of the kids are "our kids".  What I mean is even though you both may have kids from previous relationships, you now are one team.  Don't play the game of your kids versus his kids, it only leads to isolation and resentment.   By being united and seeing the kids as our kids, we feel more supported by each other.  We then can work together to figure out what is best for each kid in our home.  

Another part of the potion is to remember to keep a spiritual balance.  Recently I went to a Relief Society fireside,  where our bishop spoke candidly about marriage.  He defined a spiritual balance as having God as your first priority, second is your Spouse/Family, third is work and fourth is Church.  He emphasized that in our marriages if both spouses put those things in order then everything else will fall in place.   

The last ingredient in the potion is learning what makes each other tick.  I highly recommend reading the book "The Five Languages of Love", by Gary D. Chapman.  It is so important to try to figure out what language your spouse needs.  Learning the language that they need will help you to understand them better and get you through some very difficult times. 

In conclusion, in a blended family there are so many different relationships that take time, patience and unselfishness.    Seeing the love that my spouse has for our children makes me love him more.  I've also found that when I'm unselfish I feel my love grow for my husband and all our kids. There have been some very difficult times, but each experience and trial has solidified our foundation and helped me to see what it means to truly love someone. 

At this point, we don't ride off into the sunset with a happily ever after attached.  Oh no, our marriage will always be changing and maturing.  It is just so important that we don't take the little things for granted.  Such as the sweet words, holding hands, kissing, and going on dates.  

I'm not going to lie, sometimes the stress of all the dynamics is so much to bear!! But I have learned that I have a loving husband and a Heavenly Father who want me to succeed.  They are helping me to work on and continue to build a firm and loving foundation.

Now you know the ingredients to the magical love potion-blended style.  Don't forget to blend those ingredients up and enjoy some enchanted experiences that await you in your relationship.  

Just Breathe!!

So I have to confess, I'm not the world's greatest swimmer.  My friend decided to come to my aid and give me some swimming lessons.  She came prepared and ready to teach me everything I needed to know about swimming.  Well it so happens I do know how to swim, I just don't know how to breath!

If I recall, breathing is an involuntary movement that our body does without us thinking about it.  If this is the case, I don't understand why it's so hard for me.  I find in life that I tend to hold my breath on too many occasions and then I'm struggling to catch my breath.

I have eight kids, five of which are my stepkids.   Things come at me strong and fast and I think having so many different personalities to deal with makes it super tricky because I was raised as an only child.  I want everyone to be happy and I want to be the best mom and stepmom.  When that doesn't happen I tend to be hardest on myself.   I am starting to realize that I just need to breath and just be me.  I am in their life for a reason.  I serve a different purpose in all of their lives and I can contribute by supporting them in their journey and just love them for who they are. 

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